Religion in America

Please, No More

No doubt about it, we are a religion crazy country.  Even our Communists worship at the altar of St. Karl.  We scare gay politicians into the closet and then blame them for being in the closet when they get caught.  Americans just can’t make up their minds. That is why we need a state religion.  Our state religion must stress Jesus and Moses with a passing nod to Mohammad.  Our clergy must fully embrace the Protestant Work Ethic and People Magazine can be our holy book.  Our high priest can be an ex-president and our high priestess can be Oprah.  After all, rich people are morally superior to all of us.  Put that all together and we will have a religion we can all unite against.  Maybe then we will come to our senses as a nation.

Paris Hilton does not work as a virgin priestess, which is why she had to go to jail. Britney Spears can be forgiven for being bipolar.  This is why her father leaked her private psychiatric information to the press.  It’s one thing to get drunk and dance around without your panties before you have kids.   It’s another to do it after you have given birth twice.  Moral America was about to put its collective foot down. That would have ended her record sales.  Now that we all know that poor Britney is bipolar, Moral America can pity her.  No doubt that saved her career and her cash value to her family.  Public figures give up their privacy in return for publicity and suffer under the judgment of Moral America.  Both celebrities and politicians are treated equally under the scrutiny of Moral America.   I heard one old codger say he was voting for McCain because “Sarah Palin is hot.”  There seems to be a major confusion between world leaders and band leaders in the United States.

Morality is always ordained by God and is therefore part and parcel of the Protestant Work Ethic.   If you are God’s chosen you can do whatever you want; it’s moral.  A woman can be raped at a Church of All Worlds event and it’s all her fault for being sexually repressed. (That is the greatest sin for CAW members.) Another part of the Protestant Work Ethic is that the holy writings are beyond question.   If you are one of the elect, you never question the holy writings, and those who wrote them have to be prophets.  This is why Libertarians revere Jefferson like Christians revere Jesus, and why there are American Marxists who treat Herr Karl like he walked on water and returned from death.   It’s all part of the American Religion.

I learned about the American religion from Dr. Perry Troutman at Lebanon Valley College.  His Religion in America course stayed with me all my life, and the most important thing I took out of it was the concept of the American religion.  American Religion takes on certain characteristics which are as immutable as Confucianism in China.  The first characteristic is that American religions are obsessed by morality. The second is that America has never grown out of the Puritan Work Ethic.   We still somehow think that rich people are morally superior to the rest of us.  The third is that we look at public figures as if they are somehow clergy.  Especially, God save us all, the President.

I will never forget the time a Church of All Worlds priestess jumped up and down screaming, “monogamy is immoral!” I mention this to demonstrate that even the alternative religions in the United States have the same obsession with morality.   This is why we have Libertarians and Communists at each other’s throats instead of sitting down and working things out.  Of course each and every group in America, religious or otherwise, has different standards of morality.  The sorriest thing is that so few of them incorporate “live and let live.”  The Democrats are immoral because Bill Clinton had sex in the Oval Office or the Republicans are immoral because some of their members were forced out of the closet.   Nobody ever stops to think that it is morality itself which is the problem.  If America was not so morality happy, sex in the oval office would have remained the nonevent of the century. vIf the United States was not so obsessed with morality, the closeted gay Republicans would never get as far as they have by pandering to American morality.

It seems that the boundaries between church and state lack definition.   America confuses religion with its politics as well as its entertainment.   We find ourselves judging our fellow human beings by superhuman standards. So what if Bill Clinton fell of the fidelity wagon?  So what if poor, crazy little Britney drank a little too much? When push comes to shove, it’s none of our business.   I really don’t want to hear about what Larry Craig does in strange bathrooms.  The fact of the matter is that politicians are human beings and they are going to do human things.  The same with entertainers.  There is something really creepy about Britney’s father telling the world that his little girl has a brain chemistry dysfunction.  There is something really petty about making Paris Hilton stay in jail simply because she is a celebrity.   Not only does America confuse religion in everything, but it brings the worst out of us.

The World Needs More BFFs

Our Hearts Are Broken

After a face-lift and Tummy Tuck, You'll be ready for 2016

Alas, Paris Camp Followers, another blow against democracy has been struck. The forces of oppression will not let our heroine run for office. Not only did that bean counter at the election board not accept my petition to put Paris on the ballot, but he had the police escort me out of building. Can you imagine the nerve of it? The worst of it is that I had almost 50 signatures. (I do confess that I’m not quite sure that the weird old man on the park bench in the playground was really a registered voter.) Well I don’t know about the rest of you true believers, but I’m not taking this lying down.

We are just going to have to get around that constitutional technicality by finding a new candidate. The problem is who can we draft who isn’t so far over the hill that we might as well put in a write-in vote for Hillary Clinton? We’re going to need somebody over 35, but is still hot enough for a good campaign poster. Campaign experience would be a plus but not necessary as the right candidate would be hot enough not to really need to campaign. Well one candidate comes immediately to mind. She has been campaigning for Al Gore for a number of years. That will get us a lot of Gore supporters as well as the rest of the eco-freaks who have been crying over the drowning polar bears. Plus, she operates a totally exploitative corporation, which is really a major plus for an American politician. Have you guessed our new candidate yet, oh true believers? Who else could it be but America’s favorite MILF, Madonna!

True, Madonna’s name has been linked with a little bit of scandal. There are some poop-heads who have accused her of sleeping her way to stardom. Well let’s get real. Sleeping your way to the top is a plus for a politician. She’ll fit right in amongst the Washington crowd. She has corporate connections so she might actually be able to do presidential stuff when she’s not doing photo shots, and she is undoubtedly still hot!

Draft Madonna in 2008

That leaves the question of Madonna’s running mate. Well there is no question in my mind. Britney Spears is the only possible candidate. I mean with a ticket like this:

You'll Have People Trying to Vote Twice

the polls might just get crushed in the avalanche. Forget about blue and red states. All of America will turn a steaming pink. So sorry, Paris, but as you know, politics make strange bedfellows and one must move with the expediency of the moment. Besides, with a face lift and a tummy-tuck, you’ll be ready to run in 2016. In the meantime, vote for Ciccone and Spears in 2008. The only change that matters in Washington.

Who Will Be Paris’s Running Mate?

Eat your heart out, John McCain. You'll never be this hot.

This has been the burning question amongst Paris’s camp followers. Undoubtedly a hot president should have a vice-president almost as hot as she is. Vice-presidents are after all the ultimate political accessory. They have to be carefully chosen to display the president’s best qualities without overshadowing the chief executive. For instance when we look at George W. Bush, we can all be relieved that he is not Dick Cheney. We don’t want to go to that kind of extreme with Paris, but she needs a running mate we can all fantasize to when we can’t have Paris.

I have been very heavily criticized by my peers for suggesting Monica Lewinsnki and rightfully so. I mean really, Monica contrasts better with Paris than any other vice presidential hopeful.

Now this is a president

Paris might look like this if she keeps eating those burgers.

However it has been pointed out to me that if anything were to happen to Paris, Monica would end up being the POTUS. So what would happen if Paris were to have a fashion disaster or a bad hair day and not be able to make it to a State of the Union Address? That would be very embarrassing for many of the Republican incumbents who had voted to impeach Clinton. Can you imagine them all avoiding each other’s eyes and blushing while Monica made her speech? No, Monica as V.P was not one of my brightest ideas and I withdraw it. Perhaps Monica’s talents could be better used as National Security Adviser.

So perhaps we should forget about Monica and look at Britney Spears instead. I don’t know about the rest of you gentlemen but I would certainly prefer to look at Britney instead of Monica. The problem with having Paris and Britney on the same ticket is that they are both blond and would eventually begin to compete with each other. So really, how can we expect to end the war in Iraq when we’re having cat fights in the White House Rose Garden? (Can you imagine seeing that on CNN?) So that leaves Britney out.

Two Blond Presidents?

Besides Britney has had some major bad press due to her mental health issues. Historically the American public has refused to vote for a candidate who had been forcibly committed. So that automatically excludes Britney as a potential vice president, however this does not exclude Britney from a role in Paris’s cabinet. Considering that Britney has been promoted, packaged, and sold to the public like a can of peas ever since she was a mouskateer; Britney may better serve our nation as the Secretary of Commerce.

Next on our list would be Lindsey Lohan. Yes, she is younger than Britney and therefor does not share Britney’s years of experience in being a marketed commodity. Still her very youth may be turned to an advantage in attracting the Catholic Clergy Vote.  Plus we might get a stronger turnout by the lesbians. Some people are nervous about Lindsay and her history of drug use, but I think those people are making mountains out of molehills. After all, right now we have a coke addict in the White House. An actress who had been through rehab may even be seen as a step up. Besides, Lindsay is a natural redhead and won’t have that blond competition thing going with the POTUS.

Wars would break out as leaders of foreign regimes competed for their phone numbers.

See? Lindsay’s lack of height beautifully displays Paris’s height and figure but platforms can compensate for the camera. Won’t they take some hot pictures for some really hot campaign posters? Yes indeed, I think that Lindsay is a definitely Vice Presidential material. However, if for any reason she turns down the position, I could not think of anybody who would be better qualified as head of the DEA.

What about straight women and gay men? A lot of people have asked me that. After all, haven’t heterosexual men dominated American politics long enough? Don’t women and gays have a right to vote for a better fantasy than Obama? I think that is a valid point and even though Lindsay remains my current favorite, I’m going to suggest some male running mates for Paris. Moby would be an obvious contender. With the liberals actively courting disaffected born again Christianoids, Moby would certainly be the perfect Vice presidential running mate to attract the Christianoid vote. As a matter of fact, short of employing armed thugs at the polls, I couldn’t think of any other way to get a Christianoid to vote for Paris. Besides, that cue-ball look of his sets off Paris’s blond tresses.

Now this is a VP

This is a POTUS

Look at that. He even dresses like a vice president. The only problem I can see is that his reputation for ethical behavior might alienate him from the Washington power elite, and the fact that he is a vegan may make the meat industry feel threatened. Paris should take that into consideration before asking him to join her ticket. Maybe Moby’s talent and notoriety could be better utilized as the head of the FDA.

So how about a Vice President that everybody could fantasize about? Like say, David Bowie. Straight men and lesbians could make believe that he was female. Straight females could safely make believe they were lesbians. Women love him, men dig him. He would be absolutely perfect. There are only two problems with Bowie. One is that he’s British and disqualified for the presidency and the other is that his make-up might clash with the president’s.

Too Bad He's British.

She and David would go so well together.

Still you have to admit David was a good idea while he lasted. So if David can’t be vice-president, maybe he can help Paris prove her foreign policy acumen by accepting the post of Ambassador to Saudi Arabia.

That leaves Paris’s original choice for her running mate, Rihanna. Looking at the two of them side by side makes me think that maybe this entire blog was a waste of time. After all, Paris Hilton is the hot candidate and Paris sure as hell knows what hot is. Not only that but the way those ladies contrast each other will make Rhianna a slam-dunk for 2016. Rhianna may even take some male African American voters away from Obama. You think?

Hillary Clinton could never make that outfit work.

Obama Could never make that outfit work.

Without a shadow of a doubt, Rihanna should be Paris’s number one choice for vice president. Those two are just too photogenic together, there won’t be that blond competition thing going like there would be with Britney, and unlike Lindsay, Rhianna won’t get carded at diplomatic cocktail parties.

So vote for Britney and Rhianna, the only change that matters in Washington.