They Can Sell Us Anything

The Dangerous Desires of the Crowd Must be Controlled

I should know. I spent 30 years on the dark side, selling everything from newspapers to 412(i) retirement accounts.  It was easier to sell the 412(i)s. Newspapers are real.  They are solid.   They take up space. When you are done with them you have to put them out for recycling.  A 412(i) is an idea you will never hold in your hand.   You will never see it.   It takes up no space in your home.   Assuming that you make enough money for a 412(i), you will never write out a check for it.  The money is taken out of your business account before taxes.  Every month you receive a statement in the mail telling you how much your account has grown.   You do not own an object called a 412(i), you own an idea called a 412(i).

Another strange thing about sales is that it is easier to sell to lots of people than it is to sell to individuals.   I noticed this years ago when telemarketing for Thermo-Guard windows.  When I said, “Hi, this is Bill calling from Thermo-Guard Windows,” I got hung up on four out of five times.   When I said, “Hi, this is Bill calling from Thermo-Guard Windows which are recommended by Dick Van Patton,” I got hung up on two out of five times. The more appealing the advertising, the easier it is to sell.   A two year old would be happy to get a rag doll for her birthday, but spend enough money on the advertising and parents will kill each other over Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

People tend to underestimate the power of advertising.  There are many people who feel as if they have freed themselves from the power of advertising by getting rid of their televisions.   All the TV haters have accomplished is to rid themselves of the visible part of the iceberg.  Even people without television are subject to Madison Ave-induced fads through peer pressure.   One person gets a bug up his butt about Tickle Me Elmo, then his neighbor just has to have it.   Next thing you know, there are riots in the toy stores.  Internet advertising is even more subtle and insidious than many people realize.   Right now, there are paid advertisers posing as bloggers, children, average people on the message boards, or simply anonymous posters.  They are all out to sell something.  It could be as simple as the newest pop album, or an elaborate smoke screen for Bush. Regardless of the product, enough people fall for it to make the effort worth while.

Modern advertising was created by Edward Bernays, Sigmund Freud’s nephew.   Bernays was an elitist bastard who thought that the masses needed a means of controlling them.  He was the first to apply the principle of the subconscious to create needs or beliefs. Bernays created the need for new cars when the old cars were running just fine.   He created a burning desire to be cool by smoking Pall Mall cigarettes, and he created the belief that the Russians were a danger to America.   Advertising has become a science unto itself.   Marketing and Public Relations are part of the social sciences and billions of dollars are spent every year to discover new ways to convince us that the newest band is cool, or that all Muslims are out to destroy America.

John F. Kennedy was the first president to run his campaign fully on Bernays techniques.   Kennedy did not even try to run on the issues.  Kennedy made mighty speeches appealing to postwar optimism and patriotism.  His lovely wife and darling children were constantly featured in the media.   Poor Richard M. Nixon tried to run on the issues.  Many say that Nixon debated on facts while Kennedy avoided the questions.   Eight years later, Nixon ran the same campaign as Kennedy and won.   Today machine politics have reached their ultimate form through Public Relations.  The American public does not select a President according to the issues but to the image that the candidates project.  In 1960, Nixon was much better informed on the issues than Kennedy.  By 1968 Nixon had been reduced to a hopeless lush and won anyway.  Democrat Hubert Humphrey tried to run an honest campaign while Nixon’s team pulled out all the stops.

Ever since Kennedy, American politics have become a matter of the best PR firm winning the election instead of the best candidate.   Right after Watergate and while still reeling from the Nixon pardons, Jimmy Carter was presented as a liberal and won.  In fact he was a Christianoid conservative.   Four years later Ronald Reagan was presented as a great statesman. Actually he was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s.  The coming of Reagan spelled the end of liberalism in America and Americans just ate it up.  It is truly amazing what advertising can accomplish.   Bill Clinton was elected President by lying to us about national health, and there are still people who make excuses for him.

For the past 28 years, Democrats and Republicans have been working in tangent for the benefit of the Multinational Corporations.  Yet people still see the Democrats as the friends of the poor and the downtrodden, because that’s what the PR tells us.   Nancy Pelosi took impeachment off the table, and is known to have voted for everything Bush ever asked for.  Convinced she is a liberal, voters still reelect her.   With the economy tanking and the wars going strong in the Middle East, Americans wanted hope for things to get better.  So that’s what the Democrats sold us, hope.   It’s easier to sell an idea than it is to sell an object, and it’s easier to sell to crowds than it is to individuals.   The question is, what will happen when American finally catches on?

14. Fraudulent Elections

The Face of Things to Come

One of the things that really puzzles me about Libertarians is their fascination with the federal government.  For a movement that advocates states rights, they seem to ignore most of the major functions of the state governments.  This is evident in their ineffective attempt at election reform. Libertarians are concentrating their efforts at the federal level and have forgotten that every state regulates its own elections.  State authority supersedes federal authority on almost every level, and that includes federal elections.  Demanding reform on the federal level is a smoke screen to hide the corruption going on at the state level.  Trying to impose change from above is definitely against the libertarian philosophy.  It would be more effective to concentrate election reform to the states where the cheating occurred.  Yet the Libertarians hold the federal government accountable due to their absolute good/absolute evil view of the world.  This assures that their will be no effective election reform and the corporations can cheat with impunity.

If there ever is a third party president, it will be a Libertarian.  A Libertarian is guaranteed to do nothing to threaten corporate profits or corporate control.  A Libertarian president will not increase funding to the starving watch dog agencies, or sign new environmental bills into laws.  A Libertarian president can be depended on to support further cuts to our social safety net, veto national health, and privatize Social Security.  As the New American Century crashes faster than the Thousand Year Reich, the Libertarians wait in the wings to take on the mantel of American Fascism.

Who Will Be Paris’s Running Mate?

Eat your heart out, John McCain. You'll never be this hot.

This has been the burning question amongst Paris’s camp followers. Undoubtedly a hot president should have a vice-president almost as hot as she is. Vice-presidents are after all the ultimate political accessory. They have to be carefully chosen to display the president’s best qualities without overshadowing the chief executive. For instance when we look at George W. Bush, we can all be relieved that he is not Dick Cheney. We don’t want to go to that kind of extreme with Paris, but she needs a running mate we can all fantasize to when we can’t have Paris.

I have been very heavily criticized by my peers for suggesting Monica Lewinsnki and rightfully so. I mean really, Monica contrasts better with Paris than any other vice presidential hopeful.

Now this is a president

Paris might look like this if she keeps eating those burgers.

However it has been pointed out to me that if anything were to happen to Paris, Monica would end up being the POTUS. So what would happen if Paris were to have a fashion disaster or a bad hair day and not be able to make it to a State of the Union Address? That would be very embarrassing for many of the Republican incumbents who had voted to impeach Clinton. Can you imagine them all avoiding each other’s eyes and blushing while Monica made her speech? No, Monica as V.P was not one of my brightest ideas and I withdraw it. Perhaps Monica’s talents could be better used as National Security Adviser.

So perhaps we should forget about Monica and look at Britney Spears instead. I don’t know about the rest of you gentlemen but I would certainly prefer to look at Britney instead of Monica. The problem with having Paris and Britney on the same ticket is that they are both blond and would eventually begin to compete with each other. So really, how can we expect to end the war in Iraq when we’re having cat fights in the White House Rose Garden? (Can you imagine seeing that on CNN?) So that leaves Britney out.

Two Blond Presidents?

Besides Britney has had some major bad press due to her mental health issues. Historically the American public has refused to vote for a candidate who had been forcibly committed. So that automatically excludes Britney as a potential vice president, however this does not exclude Britney from a role in Paris’s cabinet. Considering that Britney has been promoted, packaged, and sold to the public like a can of peas ever since she was a mouskateer; Britney may better serve our nation as the Secretary of Commerce.

Next on our list would be Lindsey Lohan. Yes, she is younger than Britney and therefor does not share Britney’s years of experience in being a marketed commodity. Still her very youth may be turned to an advantage in attracting the Catholic Clergy Vote.  Plus we might get a stronger turnout by the lesbians. Some people are nervous about Lindsay and her history of drug use, but I think those people are making mountains out of molehills. After all, right now we have a coke addict in the White House. An actress who had been through rehab may even be seen as a step up. Besides, Lindsay is a natural redhead and won’t have that blond competition thing going with the POTUS.

Wars would break out as leaders of foreign regimes competed for their phone numbers.

See? Lindsay’s lack of height beautifully displays Paris’s height and figure but platforms can compensate for the camera. Won’t they take some hot pictures for some really hot campaign posters? Yes indeed, I think that Lindsay is a definitely Vice Presidential material. However, if for any reason she turns down the position, I could not think of anybody who would be better qualified as head of the DEA.

What about straight women and gay men? A lot of people have asked me that. After all, haven’t heterosexual men dominated American politics long enough? Don’t women and gays have a right to vote for a better fantasy than Obama? I think that is a valid point and even though Lindsay remains my current favorite, I’m going to suggest some male running mates for Paris. Moby would be an obvious contender. With the liberals actively courting disaffected born again Christianoids, Moby would certainly be the perfect Vice presidential running mate to attract the Christianoid vote. As a matter of fact, short of employing armed thugs at the polls, I couldn’t think of any other way to get a Christianoid to vote for Paris. Besides, that cue-ball look of his sets off Paris’s blond tresses.

Now this is a VP

This is a POTUS

Look at that. He even dresses like a vice president. The only problem I can see is that his reputation for ethical behavior might alienate him from the Washington power elite, and the fact that he is a vegan may make the meat industry feel threatened. Paris should take that into consideration before asking him to join her ticket. Maybe Moby’s talent and notoriety could be better utilized as the head of the FDA.

So how about a Vice President that everybody could fantasize about? Like say, David Bowie. Straight men and lesbians could make believe that he was female. Straight females could safely make believe they were lesbians. Women love him, men dig him. He would be absolutely perfect. There are only two problems with Bowie. One is that he’s British and disqualified for the presidency and the other is that his make-up might clash with the president’s.

Too Bad He's British.

She and David would go so well together.

Still you have to admit David was a good idea while he lasted. So if David can’t be vice-president, maybe he can help Paris prove her foreign policy acumen by accepting the post of Ambassador to Saudi Arabia.

That leaves Paris’s original choice for her running mate, Rihanna. Looking at the two of them side by side makes me think that maybe this entire blog was a waste of time. After all, Paris Hilton is the hot candidate and Paris sure as hell knows what hot is. Not only that but the way those ladies contrast each other will make Rhianna a slam-dunk for 2016. Rhianna may even take some male African American voters away from Obama. You think?

Hillary Clinton could never make that outfit work.

Obama Could never make that outfit work.

Without a shadow of a doubt, Rihanna should be Paris’s number one choice for vice president. Those two are just too photogenic together, there won’t be that blond competition thing going like there would be with Britney, and unlike Lindsay, Rhianna won’t get carded at diplomatic cocktail parties.

So vote for Britney and Rhianna, the only change that matters in Washington.

Paris For President: The Naked Truth For A Change

With Paris We Get The Truth, The Whole Truth, and Nothing but The Truth

I am officially giving my full and unstinting support for Paris Whitney Hilton’s run for the presidency of the United States of America, and why the hell not? Who’s portrait would you rather see hanging on post office walls, (The walls, not the bulletin boards) Paris’s or John McCain’s. Well for any red blooded dirty old heterosexual man, the answer would be obvious. We want Paris. True, we will have to use a special head shot for Public Schools, but Paris’s picture would certainly inspire a more intense interest in politics for junior high school aged boys than say a picture of Barrack Obama. Place Paris in front of TV camera in a low cut clinging evening gown, revealing that she is not wearing foundation garments, and I’m sure that about 45% of American voters will entirely fail to notice that the war in Iraq and Afghanistan is still going strong, that Homeland Security is still monitoring our phone calls, Gitmo is still waterboarding prisoners, and that we still don’t have a national health plan.

That’s all well and good, you say, but where does Paris stand on the issues? Well that’s a really dumb question. Paris will stand wherever the White House photographer tells her to stand. Duh! Well what are her opinions on the issues? Damn! You heterosexual women just have to take all the fun out of everything I guess. Okay, to find the answer to that totally inconsequential question we should hear what Paris has to say herself

See? Paris would be the perfect compromise candidate. I think her energy policy is absolutely hot! Only an heiress like Paris could afford to pay for the Public Relations agency and speech writers to come up with an energy policy like that. Just think what answers she could pay them to come up with for Iraq? Blackwater could murder every infant in Baghdad and Paris could have us yelling for more, and when U.S troops invade Iran; well let’s just say that nukes won’t be the only things that will be exploding.

There is just one thing that concerns me about Paris’s campaign and that is her choice of a running mate. I think Paris should choose Monica Lewinski. Monica has more in the way of political exposure and would attract disaffected Hillary supporters into becoming Paris’s camp followers. They could pass out cigars at campaign rallies without sending a message of support for the tobacco industry. Yes, I can just see the bumper stickers now. Paris and Monica: The Only Change That Matters in Washington.