Our Hearts Are Broken

After a face-lift and Tummy Tuck, You'll be ready for 2016

After a face-lift and Tummy Tuck, You'll be ready for 2016

Alas, Paris Camp Followers, another blow against democracy has been struck. The forces of oppression will not let our heroine run for office. Not only did that bean counter at the election board not accept my petition to put Paris on the ballot, but he had the police escort me out of building. Can you imagine the nerve of it? The worst of it is that I had almost 50 signatures. (I do confess that I’m not quite sure that the weird old man on the park bench in the playground was really a registered voter.) Well I don’t know about the rest of you true believers, but I’m not taking this lying down.

We are just going to have to get around that constitutional technicality by finding a new candidate. The problem is who can we draft who isn’t so far over the hill that we might as well put in a write-in vote for Hillary Clinton? We’re going to need somebody over 35, but is still hot enough for a good campaign poster. Campaign experience would be a plus but not necessary as the right candidate would be hot enough not to really need to campaign. Well one candidate comes immediately to mind. She has been campaigning for Al Gore for a number of years. That will get us a lot of Gore supporters as well as the rest of the eco-freaks who have been crying over the drowning polar bears. Plus, she operates a totally exploitative corporation, which is really a major plus for an American politician. Have you guessed our new candidate yet, oh true believers? Who else could it be but America’s favorite MILF, Madonna!

True, Madonna’s name has been linked with a little bit of scandal. There are some poop-heads who have accused her of sleeping her way to stardom. Well let’s get real. Sleeping your way to the top is a plus for a politician. She’ll fit right in amongst the Washington crowd. She has corporate connections so she might actually be able to do presidential stuff when she’s not doing photo shots, and she is undoubtedly still hot!

Draft Madonna in 2008

Draft Madonna in 2008

That leaves the question of Madonna’s running mate. Well there is no question in my mind. Britney Spears is the only possible candidate. I mean with a ticket like this:

You'll Have People Trying to Vote Twice

You'll Have People Trying to Vote Twice

the polls might just get crushed in the avalanche. Forget about blue and red states. All of America will turn a steaming pink. So sorry, Paris, but as you know, politics make strange bedfellows and one must move with the expediency of the moment. Besides, with a face lift and a tummy-tuck, you’ll be ready to run in 2016. In the meantime, vote for Ciccone and Spears in 2008. The only change that matters in Washington.

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