An American Bed Time Story

Don't Worry, The Evil Libertarians Are No More

The Recession Killed all the Libertarians, and We Lived Happilly Ever After

Once upon a time in a place called the United States, there was a little boy named Tommy who never did anything his mommy and daddy told him to do. His mommy would tell him to clean his room and he would say “no”. His daddy would ask him to take out the garbage, and Tommy would say “no”. Tommy’s mommy and daddy thought that he was so cute that Tommy’s mommy would clean his room for him and his daddy would take out the garbage himself. As Tommy got older, he said no more often. His mommy would say, “don’t run with scissors, you’ll fall and hurt yourself”.

Tommy would reply, “you’re not the boss of me”, and he would run and hurt himself, and then go crying to his mommy. Tommy’s mommy was so upset that her little angel hurt himself that she put a band-aid on the boo-boo and kissed it to make it all better.

Sometimes Tommy’s daddy would say, “I’ll give you ten dollars if you help wash the car tomorrow”.

Then Tommy would say, “could I have the ten dollars now so I can go to the movies with Karl and Ron?”

Sure, Son,” said Tommy’s daddy as he took out his wallet.

The next day, Tommy’s dad washed the car all by himself while Tommy stayed in his room watching TV. Tommy was just so cute and his mommy and daddy loved him so much that there were no consequences. They let their little angel do anything he wanted to do.

Tommy was bigger and stronger than the other kids in the school yard. His daddy was rich and influential so the teachers let Tommy get away with anything he wanted to do. Tommy would beat up some nameless black kid and steal his lunch money, and then tell the principal that the black kid hit him first. Tommy was white, so the principal punished the black kid for losing his lunch money. If Tommy felt like it, he would beat up some nameless little girl and laugh when the little girl got blamed for it. Tommy had a gang of little boys who thought it was really cool that Tommy could beat up anybody he wanted to and get away with it. So they helped him and got away with it too. The principal said that Tommy was a real leader. His teachers gave him good marks because they liked him better than the black kid and everyone knew little girls shouldn’t get better marks than little boys.

Tommy went to an Ivy League college because his daddy gave generously to the alumni association. So Tommy took the place of a Hispanic student who got better grades. Tommy spent his college years partying, but got passing marks because he was a legacy. All of Tommy’s professors knew he was a dunderhead, but the administrators loved him because they could look forward to big donations. When Tommy graduated he went straight into a job with one of his father’s friends.

Tommy did not see where he had to do anything he did not want to do. Tommy’s grade school friends felt the same way. The nameless black kid was not strong enough to keep Tommy from taking his lunch money, so why should Tommy vote in favor of civil rights? If women were not strong enough to defend themselves, why should the government have laws defending them? If Tommy wanted to discriminate against a minority, what business did the government have to tell him he couldn’t? If minorities could not find employment, why should Tommy’s tax money go to a social safety net? It was not Tommy’s fault that the nameless black kid’s dad didn’t have the same connections as his father. Tommy felt the same way about National Health and Social Security. What right did the government have interfering in his health care? What right did the government have taking money out of his pocket to be invested in a Social Security account?

So the day came when Tommy’s doctor had bad news. Tommy had cancer. Tommy wasn’t really worried because he had a job with health benefits. Then Tommy discovered that his health benefits did not cover all of his doctor’s visits. So Tommy had to reach into his savings to pay for his doctor’s visits. Then Tommy discovered that his HMO only paid a percentage of his chemotherapy and Tommy had to pay for the rest out of his pocket. Soon Tommy’s HMO decided that it was too expensive to treat Tommy’s cancer and refused to pay for any of Tommy’s treatments. So Tommy had to hire a lawyer to sue his HMO. That ate up more of Tommy’s savings and Tommy had to reach into his mutual funds and his IRA.

Next Tommy’s employers decided that they wanted a younger worker they could pay less. So Tommy got fired. Tommy did not have enough savings left to pay for his medical care and provide for his family. So Tommy turned to his old grade school gang who ignored him because Tommy should have planned his life better. Tommy then applied for government assistance and was refused because Tommy’s wife made too much money. All was not lost, because Tommy owned his own home. A friendly neighborhood sub-prime lender sold Tommy a high interest adjustable rate mortgage. Tommy’s wife did not make enough money to cover the rising mortgage payments, food and Tommy’s medical expenses. After the mortgage meltdown, Tommy and his family had their home foreclosed on.

Poor Tommy, he started out as mommy and daddy’s little angel who could do no wrong and ended up sick, poor and indigent because there was no social safety net to catch him when he got sick. He died indigent and in agony from poorly treated cancer. The moral of this story is that parents should not let their children grow up to be Libertarians.

Two Guys Dumb Enough to be Left Holding the Bag

Two Guys Dumb Enough to be Left Holding the Bag

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