An Open Letter to Queen Elizabeth IIPosted: September 19, 2008 | |
Your Most Gracious Majesty,
It has surely come to your attention that once again, your North American Colonies caused another worldwide stock market crash. We realize this is the second time in eighty years that we have done this, and we are very embarrassed about it. We sincerely hope that it has not caused you any inconvenience. Our thanks to the Bank of England for lending us over 80 billion dollars to pull our economy out of a hole of our own digging. Please extend our kindest regards to your loyal subjects in the Bank of England. We would have been in a considerable amount of trouble without them.
As we are on the subject of embarrassing mistakes, we would like to make amends for a blunder we made about 230 years ago when we rebelled against His Majesty George III. In hindsight we understand this to have been a very bad idea. We were not capable of self rule in 1776, and we have failed to become competent in the last two and a third centuries. Perhaps we in the Colonies suffer from a form of cultural Attention Deficit Disorder. Maybe we suffer from massive brain damage due to our low air pollution standards. Whatever the reasons, we keep ruining things for the rest of the world.
It is not as if we deliberately keep destroying the world economy. We have the very best intentions. You see, our present leaders promised us prosperity. They told us an unregulated market would create a stronger economy. They promised us better paying jobs, the sun, the stars, and the pretty moon. They even told us an unregulated market would be best for the whole world. It seemed they were telling us the truth, until the Tech Bubble burst in 2000. Next came the mortgage meltdown, and now the stock market crash. We just can’t seem to do anything right.
Of course, one of the problems is the leaders we keep choosing. I am sure Your Majesty can tell us a few stories about Lyndon Johnson’s gallbladder and Richard Nixon’s drinking. I can just imagine how difficult it was for you to make small talk with poor Mr. Reagan. People with Alzheimer’s do ramble on so. Let us take this opportunity to apologize for young Mr. Bush. We do hope your roses have recovered from him landing his helicopter on them.
Looking at Europe, it seems like you have grown since the last great war. You have socialized medicine and and a minimum standard of living. Meanwhile the United States keeps falling back to 1929. Your World Court has guaranteed civil rights for gays, lesbians, and trans people, but American gays still fear for their lives in many parts of the country. Your subjects enjoy all these benefits, and yet you have the prosperity to save the failing American economy.
There is no doubt about it. We Americans are not capable of self rule. We should not even let ourselves out of our homes without a keeper. Your Most Gracious Majesty, we most humbly beg you to save us from ourselves and take us back as a crown colony. We are most terribly sorry about the misunderstanding in 1776. We will officially change its name from the Revolutionary War to the Failed Rebellion. We will posthumously try Ben Franklin, George Washington, James Madison, and Thomas Jefferson for treason and symbolically hang them in the Washington Mall, which will be renamed the Cornwallis Memorial Park. We will rename Washington, DC “Arnold” after Benedict Arnold, and place a statue of him on the White House Lawn. The White House will be renamed the Lord Governor’s Residence. We will even pay for the tea we so rudely dropped into Boston Harbor.
Please take us back. We’re sorry. We’ll be good. We’ll never do it again.
The American Colonists