Our Father/Mother/Cousin-in-law Who Art In Heaven…Posted: October 8, 2008 | |
I have been thinking about religion lately. With the current financial melt down and the bail-out, I imagine that religion is on a lot of people’s minds. How many people do you think are praying that Pelosi loses her seat in Congress? Right now, how many people are on their knees saying, “please, Jesus, may Obama keep just one campaign promise”? Maybe people are praying that their jobs are not outsourced to the mysterious East, or maybe they are praying for the safety of a loved one in Afghanistan or Iraq. The Almighty must hire a legion of angels simply to keep all the prayers organized.
What really puzzles me is how the Almighty decides which prayers to answer. For every person who prays that Pelosi loses her seat in Congress, there is at least one person who is praying that she keeps her seat for the sake of his mutual fund portfolio. For every Democrat who prays that Obama wins the election, there is somebody praying that the dark-skinned man with the funny name loses the election. For that matter, for every American praying for a serviceman, there is a very angry Iraqi or Afghani praying that God smites the invaders. So just who does God listen to? When there is a choice between two sides, does God flip a coin?
There are religions out there who think they are really slick and they try to bribe God. Pagans and Catholics will light candles and burn incense in order to entice God to see things their way. Voodun will sacrifice a chicken. For the life of me, I cannot imagine what God would do with a dead chicken. I suppose a chicken sacrifice is as good a way as any to make chicken soup. What I would like to know is if their prayers are answered more often than Protestant or Jewish prayers.
Another thing that really puzzles me is why people argue over God. I recently saw a quote on an Atheist website that said something about arguing over who’s make-believe friend is better. That’s what it comes down to. Muslims claim that Allah is supreme. If so, why are Christianoids rocking and rolling through Iraq and Iran? Christianoids claim that Jesus is Lord! In that case, how come a bunch of Arab hillbillies managed to utterly pants us and destroy the World Trade Center? If Jesus or Allah were actually the high poobahs, wouldn’t you think that one of them would put his divine foot down and say, “that’s a no-no”? More recently, there is a huge tempest in a teapot over which gender God is. Is God a woman?
Another mountain out of a molehill is the amount of Gods there are. God is one. God is a pantheon. God is male. God is returning and She is pissed. It amazes me to see what people can argue over. In the cosmic scheme of things, we have more important things to worry about than the existence or non-existence of somebody else’s make-believe friend. We have real life problems going on right now. Who cares if your make-believe friend is male or female? Who cares if you have one huge almighty make-believe friend, or a whole storybook full of them?
If we are going to spend all this energy over a being or beings who probably does not even exist, why don’t we agree on a nice make-believe friend. This is why I have decided that I am directing all my prayers to Hobbes the Stuffed Tiger. Could you think of a better make-believe friend? He’s loyal, he tells the truth, he is a comfort during the bad times, and a faithful troublemaker during the good times. Hobbes gives good advice, but he’s there with a warm hug when you ignore the good advice and Suzy gives you what you deserve. At the same time, Hobbes has never smitten anybody for his sins. He has never killed anybody’s firstborn kids, or commanded wars. (Well, maybe a snowball fight or two.) Best of all, he’s a stuffed tiger so he can just as easily be Hobbesette. Could you think of a better God than that? There is no God but Hobbes and Calvin is his prophet.
Screw you, Pat Robertson.