The other night, I dreamed died and went to hell. Since I had accepted an executive position, Satan himself was showing me around the place. We came to an endless lake of fire where millions of naked men and women were screaming out their agony as imps with pitchforks were doing what imps with pitchforks are said to do. Overhead was the gaudiest and most enormous disco ball in the entire universe. On tiered balconies, same sex couples were dancing up a storm to the strains of the Village People. Every now and then a group of gays and lesbians came to the railing and poured a bucket of coal into the lake of fire. The flames would shoot up to the cheers of the partiers. A whistle would sound and the DJ started up the music again.
“This is Mormon hell,” Satan explained. “It’s our most profitable operation. Mormons suffer the usual tortures reserved for liars, but they have the added anguish of getting to watch the people whose Constitutional rights were denied due to the Mormons running a misleading campaign against same-sex marriages. Gays and Lesbians are consoled for losing their rights by being able to come down here and party in front of the Mormons. We charge them ten bucks a bucket for the coal. It’s all profit and no overhead.”
I woke up in a cold sweat and with a clear idea of what has to be done. We must save the Mormons from the torments that wait for them in the afterlife. Considering the number of Commandments the Mormons broke in preventing same sex marriages, I really doubt they have much hope in getting into heaven. Their only hope is to have their souls consecrated to Satan. As the Mormons dwell under the delusion that they are doing God’s work by denying their fellow citizens their civil rights, it is unlikely that they will consecrate themselves into hell’s service while they are still alive. The only chance they have to escape the eternal torment waiting for them, is if we take the initiative and posthumously consecrate their souls to Satan. Every Mormon soul that we consecrate to eternal darkness shall be taken out of the lake of fire and shall be placed on the right side of the Dark One Himself.
It is our sacred duty to study the genealogical records and find every endangered soul who has died in the Mormon faith. Then somebody must stand in as proxy for the poor Mormon soul screaming in the lake of fire. The proxy, acting as the Mormon being admitted into the legions of Satan, shall denounce the Mormon faith. He will then symbolically divest the Mormon of his magic underwear while desecrating the Book of Mormon. The proxy will then, in the Mormon’s name, swear eternal loyalty to the Lord of Hell. The ceremony will end in a good old fashioned Black Mass.
Should the Mormons object to this, we will simply point out that the Mormons have been doing the same thing for years. They baptize dead Jews into the Mormon faith. They posthumously baptize Holocaust victims. They even had the balls to posthumously baptize Simon Wiesenthal and Anne Frank. It’s bad enough that these lunatics knock on people’s door with their religious idiocy. Now they are harassing people in the grave. It’s not only Holocaust victims getting posthumously baptized. Albert Einstein, Golda Meir, and Groucho Marx have all had the dubious honor of being welcomed into Mormon heaven. The Mormons argue that the souls of the deceased have the right to refuse the baptism. Well, the souls of the dead Mormons have the right to refuse service to the Lord of Hell and remain in the lake of fire with gays pouring coal down on their heads.
Fair is fair. The Mormons signed an agreement to stop the posthumous baptisms and to remove the names of Holocaust victims and other Jews from the Mormon membership lists. The Mormons immediately refused to honor the agreement, stating that posthumous baptism is one of their fundamental beliefs. Well, guys, the First Amendment protects us, too. Consecrating the souls of dead Mormons to hell is one of my fundamental beliefs. I’m doing the first posthumous consecration at the next full moon, and I’m standing as proxy for Brigham Young. Don’t worry, though. Brigham has the right to refuse the consecration.
On November 15, our lame turkey president is hosting a meeting of world leaders. Fear not, oh libertarians, your Shrubby champion will urge his fellow despots to support “Democratic Capitalism”. What the hell is “Democratic Capitalism”? Is that anything like National Socialism? Baby-Doc Bush states that it’s about free markets, free enterprise, and free trade. Note that the operative word here is free, as in Scot free; as in “you watch out for the cops while we mug the housing market”. The U.S government doesn’t even make a pretense to honesty anymore. America watched as our congress divided up a 750 billion dollar swag amongst the very crooks who ripped us off. Frankly, I don’t understand why they even bother outlawing street mugging anymore. Maybe it’s because Wall St. can’t stand the competition?
According to the Yahoo! article, the location of the meeting has not yet been announced. People speculate that it’s to foil protesters. I think it’s so there are no witnesses. This is the second time in 80 years that the U.S has caused a worldwide economic meltdown. I think that the location is a secret because the rest of the world’s leaders don’t want any witnesses. Rumor has it that Gordon Brown’s valet caught the Prime Minister packing a cosh into his briefcase. There are also whispers about secret meetings between Brown and Kevin Rudd at a Malaysian pub frequented by mercenaries. There are speculations that the PM of Japan was spotted at secret meetings with the Yakuza. Then again, this may all be baseless rumors and the world leaders are simply going to rat pack poor Dubya.
Our fearless leader’s spokesrat said that it was unlikely that they would come to an accord on the first meeting. Well, duh! Baby-Doc Bush only has two months left before his exit plan. Bush’s exit plan is to pack his bags and leave the mess for the next guy to deal with. The only question is whether he heads for South America like Bohrmann, or simply exiles himself in Florida like O.J. So really, what can we expect Dubya to do except do a holding action while Wall St. CEOs stuff money in duffel bags and high tail it West Palm Beach? You can’t send out of state subpoenas into Florida.
Seriously, what possible use can come out of a meeting with Baby-Doc Bush? The man is totally Wall St. He doesn’t hear anything he doesn’t want to hear. He ignores criticism and doesn’t care what his own constituents want. What makes the rest of the world think that he’s going to do anything positive about the situation he put the world into? It’s not as if Bush was actually in charge. He is the front man for the same team that was in office when Nixon was president. Nixon was too drunk most of the time to be effective. Reagan was senile. Bush is just simply too stupid to really understand what is going on. So unless the leaders of the world plan on rat packing George and kicking him to death, I cannot imagine what they hope to accomplish.
The real danger of this meeting is not that Bush will take it over. At this stage of the game, America has ceased to be a player in the world economy. The only thing we produce is oil, and that is a rapidly disappearing commodity. We do not grow our own crops any more. The lion’s share of our production was sent overseas. It looks like our leaders have screwed the pooch by outsourcing America to death. The biggest danger we face is being set aside and ignored. The rest of the world can fix their own economies and simply let the U.S stew in its own juices.
I can just imagine the libertarians are going to love that! . Oh, those rocket scientists would dance and sing and hug each other while toasting the return of small capitalism. Then they would realize that the price of small capitalism is a short and brutish life without the amenities they think are theirs by right. There won’t be time to post on the Internet when they have to go out and grow their own damned beans. There has never been a day when America was not a part of the world economy. Watch what happens to our currency once we are set adrift.
I hope the next president will have the brains god gave a rock. With good luck the SEC and the FTC will be restored. Maybe this free enterprise garbage will be reinterpreted. Free enterprise should not mean being able to steal anything not nailed down. Otherwise we can look forward to a very grim future.
I do love the surreal. I love the surreal in literature and in poetry, and there is nothing that catches me more than surreality in cinema. Yet there is nothing more surreal than American culture. If there is a God, he is on vacation and he has left Salvador Dali in charge. What can be more surreal than what is happening in the United States today? Homeowners in Oakland who refinanced their homes for hundreds of thousands of dollars now find themselves with mortgages for more than their homes are worth today. Were they to sell their homes, they would have to do so at a loss. Congress has just given 700 billion in taxpayer money to a bunch of goniffs who are meeting at luxury spas. Meanwhile the homeless population swells beyond our pathetic social safety net’s ability to care for them.
Amidst all this, I get an email from my brother about college students having to resort to food pantries in order to survive. Tuitions have skyrocketed to the point where your average student cannot afford tuition, housing, gasoline, and food. Along with this article from my brother comes a link to a Time Magazine pictorial on College Dorms. Students are going to the food pantry to eat, and their colleges are paying millions of dollars for luxury dorms. I ask you, is that surreal or what? Rutgers University, my alma mater, spent 55 million dollars for a dorm with a state of the art gym, a Cold Stone Creamery, and a 7-11, and grocery delivery. Grocery delivery? Oy vey ist mir! In my day I had to get up and go all the way to the student center to get my munchies. Sometimes I was too stoned to go, and so I would have to go without. Today’s kids can have their munchies delivered straight to the door. There is something wrong about that. I always believed that the munchies were there to teach kids moderation. That’s not going to happen if they can have their munchies delivered straight to their rooms. I wonder if pot growers have a financial interest in college dorm building?
But stop and think about that dichotomy. On one hand college students can’t afford to eat. They have to get their food out of the pantries. On the other hand, there are students who are getting their food delivered to their rooms. The pictorial mentions a student who wanted the school to house his butler. What an image that brings to mind. It could be a new Hugh Laurie (House) vehicle. He can get back together with his partner, Stephen Frye, and make a Jeeves and Wooster Go to Rutgers, movie. I can see it now.
Wooster (Played by Hugh Laurie): I say, Jeeves, I’m feeling a bit peckish. Could I impose on you for one of your famous roast beef sandwiches?
Jeeves (Played by Stephen Frye): I am sorry sir, but the larder is a little bare at the moment.
Wooster: The larder is bare, you say? Haven’t you been going to the grocery store, Jeeves?
Jeeves: I’m afraid not, sir. I meant to mention this at a better time, but I’m afraid that your bank account has been overdrawn by roughly a hundred dollars.
Wooster: Overdrawn Jeeves?
Jeeves: By a hundred dollars, sir.
Wooster: Jeeves, how could you let that happen?
Jeeves: I’m afraid that tuition has gone up and your Aunt Agatha has refused to raise your allowance.
Wooster(Looking alarmed): Jeeves, what are we to do?
Jeeves: May I suggest the food pantry, sir? The University operates a very nice one in the health center. I’m sure they will provide whatever sustenance you require.
Wooster (Looking relieved): Very good, Jeeves. I knew you would find a solution. Do you think that you might pop down to the food pantry and pick up some viands?
Jeeves: Gladly sir, as soon as we take care of the little matter of my back wages…
I can just see that scene playing out in my mind, and only Frye and Laurie could pull it off. Who else could really show America to it’s best advantage? America is a country that gives 700 billion dollars to criminals while honest people go homeless. Students are eating out of food pantries while the universities build multi million dollar dorms. I tell you, this country is just nuts.
I have been thinking about religion lately. With the current financial melt down and the bail-out, I imagine that religion is on a lot of people’s minds. How many people do you think are praying that Pelosi loses her seat in Congress? Right now, how many people are on their knees saying, “please, Jesus, may Obama keep just one campaign promise”? Maybe people are praying that their jobs are not outsourced to the mysterious East, or maybe they are praying for the safety of a loved one in Afghanistan or Iraq. The Almighty must hire a legion of angels simply to keep all the prayers organized.
What really puzzles me is how the Almighty decides which prayers to answer. For every person who prays that Pelosi loses her seat in Congress, there is at least one person who is praying that she keeps her seat for the sake of his mutual fund portfolio. For every Democrat who prays that Obama wins the election, there is somebody praying that the dark-skinned man with the funny name loses the election. For that matter, for every American praying for a serviceman, there is a very angry Iraqi or Afghani praying that God smites the invaders. So just who does God listen to? When there is a choice between two sides, does God flip a coin?
There are religions out there who think they are really slick and they try to bribe God. Pagans and Catholics will light candles and burn incense in order to entice God to see things their way. Voodun will sacrifice a chicken. For the life of me, I cannot imagine what God would do with a dead chicken. I suppose a chicken sacrifice is as good a way as any to make chicken soup. What I would like to know is if their prayers are answered more often than Protestant or Jewish prayers.
Another thing that really puzzles me is why people argue over God. I recently saw a quote on an Atheist website that said something about arguing over who’s make-believe friend is better. That’s what it comes down to. Muslims claim that Allah is supreme. If so, why are Christianoids rocking and rolling through Iraq and Iran? Christianoids claim that Jesus is Lord! In that case, how come a bunch of Arab hillbillies managed to utterly pants us and destroy the World Trade Center? If Jesus or Allah were actually the high poobahs, wouldn’t you think that one of them would put his divine foot down and say, “that’s a no-no”? More recently, there is a huge tempest in a teapot over which gender God is. Is God a woman?
Another mountain out of a molehill is the amount of Gods there are. God is one. God is a pantheon. God is male. God is returning and She is pissed. It amazes me to see what people can argue over. In the cosmic scheme of things, we have more important things to worry about than the existence or non-existence of somebody else’s make-believe friend. We have real life problems going on right now. Who cares if your make-believe friend is male or female? Who cares if you have one huge almighty make-believe friend, or a whole storybook full of them?
If we are going to spend all this energy over a being or beings who probably does not even exist, why don’t we agree on a nice make-believe friend. This is why I have decided that I am directing all my prayers to Hobbes the Stuffed Tiger. Could you think of a better make-believe friend? He’s loyal, he tells the truth, he is a comfort during the bad times, and a faithful troublemaker during the good times. Hobbes gives good advice, but he’s there with a warm hug when you ignore the good advice and Suzy gives you what you deserve. At the same time, Hobbes has never smitten anybody for his sins. He has never killed anybody’s firstborn kids, or commanded wars. (Well, maybe a snowball fight or two.) Best of all, he’s a stuffed tiger so he can just as easily be Hobbesette. Could you think of a better God than that? There is no God but Hobbes and Calvin is his prophet.
Screw you, Pat Robertson.
Of all the ridiculous fads that passed through this ridiculous country, there is no fad so ridiculous as the New Age. Hula hoops, poodle skirts, and Elvis sightings pale in comparison. If a nation reflects the mental state of its leaders, then all of America caught Reagan’s Alzheimer’s. That’s the only way I can explain it. It was like the entire country had fallen for the world’s biggest séance scam. There were hundreds of ghosts, ghoulies, and things that go bump in the night coming back to tell we, the carnate, how to live our lives. I often wonder how Deepak Chopra survived all the competition. Should I outlive Dr. Chopra, I might decide to “channel” him just to see how many rubes fall for it.
America is a religion-happy country anyway. Without any structures to hold it at bay, religion has multiplied like rabbits in Australia. Religion has done as much to undermine American society as rabbits have undermined the Australian environment. Like rabbits in Australia, religion has no natural predators in the U.S. There are no laws or taxes to keep it under control. Religion can do what it wants, say what it wants, defame who it wants, and there is nothing we can do about it. Preachers can go up on the pulpit and tell their brainwashed minions who to vote for, but there is no way a bureaucrat can tell a religion what to believe. There is something very unfair about that. Religion has us surrounded. We are out-gunned and outnumbered. They can see the whites of our eyes, yet we do not have anything to shoot back with.
Like all uniquely American religious movements, the New Age was based on predestination. Americans seem to be terrified of free will and happenstance. This is why Americans revere Albert Einstein and ignore Niels Bohr. Einstein promised a unified field theory that would reduce, while Bohr and his Quantum Mechanics deny that a Unified Field Theory is even possible. Based on random motion and statistics, Quantum Mechanics is the basis of modern physics. Einstein never delivered on his unified field theory. Yet, despite the evidence, Americans insist that they have a make-believe friend that controls every aspect of their lives.
The New Age takes predestination and gives it a nasty twist. In classical predestination, God decides who is saved and who is damned by blessing or cursing people on Earth. Wealth is considered a sign of God’s salvation while poverty is a sign of damnation. The New Age took this belief and brought it to new heights of idiocy. According to the New Age, you decide everything that is going to happen to you while you are between lives. To the New Agers it is not God who curses you with sickness, poverty, and terrible acne. To the New Agers, you do it to yourself. I had one New Ager tell me that she did not understand why people were so upset about the African famines. The victims wanted to starve to death. That’s why they decided to reincarnate as poor Black children.
If this is true, why don’t we all keep coming back as rich hedonists? After we die, do we all go into our focus groups and decide who gets to be rich this time around? Who gets to be poor? Who gets to be the sex slave? Do we argue over who gets to be monarch of England? Who mediates when two disincorporated souls both want to come back as Emperor of the United States and Defender of Mexico? Do we draw lots to see who has to come back as a Somalian or a San Francisco street person?
What comes around goes around. I suspect that is the only spiritual law that has any real validity. Back in the Reagan years, people ignored the poor. After all, if they didn’t want to be poor they would have decided to come back rich. The streets filled with homeless, and the more fortunate congratulated each other for being spiritually advanced. Today the more fortunate have watched their investments turn to toilet paper. Their IRAs are worth less today than when they first started saving. Many of them are waiting for the sheriff to evict them from their homes.
Do they ever look back at the 80s, and remember how warm and fuzzy they felt when George Bush the elder called them “A Thousand Points of Light”? Do they ever stop and think about how spiritual they felt when they paid over a hundred dollars for a piece of quartz that might have cost the retailer a nickel? I bet the thousand points of light are feeling like a bunch of dim bulbs today. They bought into a load of shit. It never occurred to them that all religious movements are a con. Be it the Assembly of God or Church of all Worlds, religion and religious movements are means to remove money from fools. The only thing that made the New Age different was its size and scope.
In any con there are always two criminals. The conman and the victim. The victim falls for the con because he wants something for nothing. In the case of the New Age, the victims wanted wealth without responsibility and selfishness without consequences. The results were that minorities were the ones who suffered the consequences. At least until the real estate meltdown began the slow slide into fiscal disaster. The question now is have the victims learned their lessons? Somehow I doubt it.
Your Most Gracious Majesty,
It has surely come to your attention that once again, your North American Colonies caused another worldwide stock market crash. We realize this is the second time in eighty years that we have done this, and we are very embarrassed about it. We sincerely hope that it has not caused you any inconvenience. Our thanks to the Bank of England for lending us over 80 billion dollars to pull our economy out of a hole of our own digging. Please extend our kindest regards to your loyal subjects in the Bank of England. We would have been in a considerable amount of trouble without them.
As we are on the subject of embarrassing mistakes, we would like to make amends for a blunder we made about 230 years ago when we rebelled against His Majesty George III. In hindsight we understand this to have been a very bad idea. We were not capable of self rule in 1776, and we have failed to become competent in the last two and a third centuries. Perhaps we in the Colonies suffer from a form of cultural Attention Deficit Disorder. Maybe we suffer from massive brain damage due to our low air pollution standards. Whatever the reasons, we keep ruining things for the rest of the world.
It is not as if we deliberately keep destroying the world economy. We have the very best intentions. You see, our present leaders promised us prosperity. They told us an unregulated market would create a stronger economy. They promised us better paying jobs, the sun, the stars, and the pretty moon. They even told us an unregulated market would be best for the whole world. It seemed they were telling us the truth, until the Tech Bubble burst in 2000. Next came the mortgage meltdown, and now the stock market crash. We just can’t seem to do anything right.
Of course, one of the problems is the leaders we keep choosing. I am sure Your Majesty can tell us a few stories about Lyndon Johnson’s gallbladder and Richard Nixon’s drinking. I can just imagine how difficult it was for you to make small talk with poor Mr. Reagan. People with Alzheimer’s do ramble on so. Let us take this opportunity to apologize for young Mr. Bush. We do hope your roses have recovered from him landing his helicopter on them.
Looking at Europe, it seems like you have grown since the last great war. You have socialized medicine and and a minimum standard of living. Meanwhile the United States keeps falling back to 1929. Your World Court has guaranteed civil rights for gays, lesbians, and trans people, but American gays still fear for their lives in many parts of the country. Your subjects enjoy all these benefits, and yet you have the prosperity to save the failing American economy.
There is no doubt about it. We Americans are not capable of self rule. We should not even let ourselves out of our homes without a keeper. Your Most Gracious Majesty, we most humbly beg you to save us from ourselves and take us back as a crown colony. We are most terribly sorry about the misunderstanding in 1776. We will officially change its name from the Revolutionary War to the Failed Rebellion. We will posthumously try Ben Franklin, George Washington, James Madison, and Thomas Jefferson for treason and symbolically hang them in the Washington Mall, which will be renamed the Cornwallis Memorial Park. We will rename Washington, DC “Arnold” after Benedict Arnold, and place a statue of him on the White House Lawn. The White House will be renamed the Lord Governor’s Residence. We will even pay for the tea we so rudely dropped into Boston Harbor.
Please take us back. We’re sorry. We’ll be good. We’ll never do it again.
The American Colonists
Once upon a time in a place called the United States, there was a little boy named Tommy who never did anything his mommy and daddy told him to do. His mommy would tell him to clean his room and he would say “no”. His daddy would ask him to take out the garbage, and Tommy would say “no”. Tommy’s mommy and daddy thought that he was so cute that Tommy’s mommy would clean his room for him and his daddy would take out the garbage himself. As Tommy got older, he said no more often. His mommy would say, “don’t run with scissors, you’ll fall and hurt yourself”.
Tommy would reply, “you’re not the boss of me”, and he would run and hurt himself, and then go crying to his mommy. Tommy’s mommy was so upset that her little angel hurt himself that she put a band-aid on the boo-boo and kissed it to make it all better.
Sometimes Tommy’s daddy would say, “I’ll give you ten dollars if you help wash the car tomorrow”.
Then Tommy would say, “could I have the ten dollars now so I can go to the movies with Karl and Ron?”
“Sure, Son,” said Tommy’s daddy as he took out his wallet.
The next day, Tommy’s dad washed the car all by himself while Tommy stayed in his room watching TV. Tommy was just so cute and his mommy and daddy loved him so much that there were no consequences. They let their little angel do anything he wanted to do.
Tommy was bigger and stronger than the other kids in the school yard. His daddy was rich and influential so the teachers let Tommy get away with anything he wanted to do. Tommy would beat up some nameless black kid and steal his lunch money, and then tell the principal that the black kid hit him first. Tommy was white, so the principal punished the black kid for losing his lunch money. If Tommy felt like it, he would beat up some nameless little girl and laugh when the little girl got blamed for it. Tommy had a gang of little boys who thought it was really cool that Tommy could beat up anybody he wanted to and get away with it. So they helped him and got away with it too. The principal said that Tommy was a real leader. His teachers gave him good marks because they liked him better than the black kid and everyone knew little girls shouldn’t get better marks than little boys.
Tommy went to an Ivy League college because his daddy gave generously to the alumni association. So Tommy took the place of a Hispanic student who got better grades. Tommy spent his college years partying, but got passing marks because he was a legacy. All of Tommy’s professors knew he was a dunderhead, but the administrators loved him because they could look forward to big donations. When Tommy graduated he went straight into a job with one of his father’s friends.
Tommy did not see where he had to do anything he did not want to do. Tommy’s grade school friends felt the same way. The nameless black kid was not strong enough to keep Tommy from taking his lunch money, so why should Tommy vote in favor of civil rights? If women were not strong enough to defend themselves, why should the government have laws defending them? If Tommy wanted to discriminate against a minority, what business did the government have to tell him he couldn’t? If minorities could not find employment, why should Tommy’s tax money go to a social safety net? It was not Tommy’s fault that the nameless black kid’s dad didn’t have the same connections as his father. Tommy felt the same way about National Health and Social Security. What right did the government have interfering in his health care? What right did the government have taking money out of his pocket to be invested in a Social Security account?
So the day came when Tommy’s doctor had bad news. Tommy had cancer. Tommy wasn’t really worried because he had a job with health benefits. Then Tommy discovered that his health benefits did not cover all of his doctor’s visits. So Tommy had to reach into his savings to pay for his doctor’s visits. Then Tommy discovered that his HMO only paid a percentage of his chemotherapy and Tommy had to pay for the rest out of his pocket. Soon Tommy’s HMO decided that it was too expensive to treat Tommy’s cancer and refused to pay for any of Tommy’s treatments. So Tommy had to hire a lawyer to sue his HMO. That ate up more of Tommy’s savings and Tommy had to reach into his mutual funds and his IRA.
Next Tommy’s employers decided that they wanted a younger worker they could pay less. So Tommy got fired. Tommy did not have enough savings left to pay for his medical care and provide for his family. So Tommy turned to his old grade school gang who ignored him because Tommy should have planned his life better. Tommy then applied for government assistance and was refused because Tommy’s wife made too much money. All was not lost, because Tommy owned his own home. A friendly neighborhood sub-prime lender sold Tommy a high interest adjustable rate mortgage. Tommy’s wife did not make enough money to cover the rising mortgage payments, food and Tommy’s medical expenses. After the mortgage meltdown, Tommy and his family had their home foreclosed on.
Poor Tommy, he started out as mommy and daddy’s little angel who could do no wrong and ended up sick, poor and indigent because there was no social safety net to catch him when he got sick. He died indigent and in agony from poorly treated cancer. The moral of this story is that parents should not let their children grow up to be Libertarians.