Your Most Gracious Majesty,
It has surely come to your attention that once again, your North American Colonies caused another worldwide stock market crash. We realize this is the second time in eighty years that we have done this, and we are very embarrassed about it. We sincerely hope that it has not caused you any inconvenience. Our thanks to the Bank of England for lending us over 80 billion dollars to pull our economy out of a hole of our own digging. Please extend our kindest regards to your loyal subjects in the Bank of England. We would have been in a considerable amount of trouble without them.
As we are on the subject of embarrassing mistakes, we would like to make amends for a blunder we made about 230 years ago when we rebelled against His Majesty George III. In hindsight we understand this to have been a very bad idea. We were not capable of self rule in 1776, and we have failed to become competent in the last two and a third centuries. Perhaps we in the Colonies suffer from a form of cultural Attention Deficit Disorder. Maybe we suffer from massive brain damage due to our low air pollution standards. Whatever the reasons, we keep ruining things for the rest of the world.
It is not as if we deliberately keep destroying the world economy. We have the very best intentions. You see, our present leaders promised us prosperity. They told us an unregulated market would create a stronger economy. They promised us better paying jobs, the sun, the stars, and the pretty moon. They even told us an unregulated market would be best for the whole world. It seemed they were telling us the truth, until the Tech Bubble burst in 2000. Next came the mortgage meltdown, and now the stock market crash. We just can’t seem to do anything right.
Of course, one of the problems is the leaders we keep choosing. I am sure Your Majesty can tell us a few stories about Lyndon Johnson’s gallbladder and Richard Nixon’s drinking. I can just imagine how difficult it was for you to make small talk with poor Mr. Reagan. People with Alzheimer’s do ramble on so. Let us take this opportunity to apologize for young Mr. Bush. We do hope your roses have recovered from him landing his helicopter on them.
Looking at Europe, it seems like you have grown since the last great war. You have socialized medicine and and a minimum standard of living. Meanwhile the United States keeps falling back to 1929. Your World Court has guaranteed civil rights for gays, lesbians, and trans people, but American gays still fear for their lives in many parts of the country. Your subjects enjoy all these benefits, and yet you have the prosperity to save the failing American economy.
There is no doubt about it. We Americans are not capable of self rule. We should not even let ourselves out of our homes without a keeper. Your Most Gracious Majesty, we most humbly beg you to save us from ourselves and take us back as a crown colony. We are most terribly sorry about the misunderstanding in 1776. We will officially change its name from the Revolutionary War to the Failed Rebellion. We will posthumously try Ben Franklin, George Washington, James Madison, and Thomas Jefferson for treason and symbolically hang them in the Washington Mall, which will be renamed the Cornwallis Memorial Park. We will rename Washington, DC “Arnold” after Benedict Arnold, and place a statue of him on the White House Lawn. The White House will be renamed the Lord Governor’s Residence. We will even pay for the tea we so rudely dropped into Boston Harbor.
Please take us back. We’re sorry. We’ll be good. We’ll never do it again.
The American Colonists
The founders of this nation tried to create a progressive society free from the chains of superstition. I have to applaud their efforts even though they did fail. Churches were the civilizing influences in early American settlements. After the Europeans settled an area and killed off the native inhabitants, they built churches that became the center of town. Early town governments met in churches. Churches did double duty as school houses. Religion became intertwined with government during America’s very earliest founding. This blend of government and religion is known to European theologists as the American Religion. The American Religion unites all religions under the government, and the President is seen as the high priest. As high priest. The President is expected to be more moral than everyone else, because the American Religion promotes morality beyond any religious movement in Europe. Bill Clinton was impeached because he was an immoral high priest, not because he was a bad president. Patriotism is also an important factor of the American Religion. The grade school stories about George Washington never lying and Abe Lincoln freeing the slaves take on a prophetic glow under the American Religion. Most importantly, Free Market Capitalism is the cornerstone of the American Religion. Nazism promoted German morality and culture, but fell upon the traditional Christian churches for support. Libertarians have a ready-made religious system in the American mythos. They have a universal morality they can apply to anybody who disagrees with them, just like traditional Christians. Libertarians have the Founders as their saints and 18th Century economists as their prophets. The Capitalist Market Place has replaced God as the mysterious force that moves invisibly through the world, arranging things according to its unknowable will. Market Place also loves American culture and is the unseen champion of Constitutional rights. Libertarian arguments are based on religion instead of reason. Libertarians are as capable of ignoring scientific evidence as the Christianoids. To the Libertarian, the dwindling oil supply and global warming are government conspiracies. They ignore the scientific evidence with the same fearful defensiveness that Christianoids apply to evolution. The words of their saints can be found in The Federalist Papers, and they cleave unto that book like the Christianoids depend on the Bible. Libertarians will even ignore the Constitution in favor of the Federalist papers. Of course, their entire interpretation of the Federalist Papers is based on American Morality, which did not yet exist when the Federalist Papers were written. Nothing reeks of religion more than the Libertarian arguments for small capitalism. The economists whom the Libertarians revere were all writing back when Hegelian history was a new idea. Human thought was transitioning from faith to reason. Many of the early capitalists were either Protestants like Adam Smith, or Mechanists like Thomas Jefferson. In both cases they were seeing a God-driven universe where God was a grand clockmaker, and Capitalism was one of the gears that kept the universe ticking. Libertarians trust in the marketplace like Christianoids trust in God. The Marketplace is supposed to regulate itself, prevent monopolies, punish fraud, and fund the government, all without human intervention. Somehow, the United States is supposed to return to a time of small Capitalism that never happened. The Constitution was ratified because the thirteen colonies were dying from lack of European trade. Like all fascist movements, Libertarianism cheerfully ignores historic fact as readily as scientific fact. The world will rearrange itself according to the will of god (or Marketplace if you prefer) as soon as evil is vanquished. Absolute good versus absolute evil is an underlying principle in Christian society. The absolute good represented by God is balanced by the absolute evil represented by Satan. Since Libertarians see The Marketplace as their absolute good they need the government as their absolute evil. This concept is too complicated for one blog post, so I will continue it tomorrow. In part three we will examine Libertarian involvement in the occult and alternative religions.