The other night, I dreamed died and went to hell. Since I had accepted an executive position, Satan himself was showing me around the place. We came to an endless lake of fire where millions of naked men and women were screaming out their agony as imps with pitchforks were doing what imps with pitchforks are said to do. Overhead was the gaudiest and most enormous disco ball in the entire universe. On tiered balconies, same sex couples were dancing up a storm to the strains of the Village People. Every now and then a group of gays and lesbians came to the railing and poured a bucket of coal into the lake of fire. The flames would shoot up to the cheers of the partiers. A whistle would sound and the DJ started up the music again.
“This is Mormon hell,” Satan explained. “It’s our most profitable operation. Mormons suffer the usual tortures reserved for liars, but they have the added anguish of getting to watch the people whose Constitutional rights were denied due to the Mormons running a misleading campaign against same-sex marriages. Gays and Lesbians are consoled for losing their rights by being able to come down here and party in front of the Mormons. We charge them ten bucks a bucket for the coal. It’s all profit and no overhead.”
I woke up in a cold sweat and with a clear idea of what has to be done. We must save the Mormons from the torments that wait for them in the afterlife. Considering the number of Commandments the Mormons broke in preventing same sex marriages, I really doubt they have much hope in getting into heaven. Their only hope is to have their souls consecrated to Satan. As the Mormons dwell under the delusion that they are doing God’s work by denying their fellow citizens their civil rights, it is unlikely that they will consecrate themselves into hell’s service while they are still alive. The only chance they have to escape the eternal torment waiting for them, is if we take the initiative and posthumously consecrate their souls to Satan. Every Mormon soul that we consecrate to eternal darkness shall be taken out of the lake of fire and shall be placed on the right side of the Dark One Himself.
It is our sacred duty to study the genealogical records and find every endangered soul who has died in the Mormon faith. Then somebody must stand in as proxy for the poor Mormon soul screaming in the lake of fire. The proxy, acting as the Mormon being admitted into the legions of Satan, shall denounce the Mormon faith. He will then symbolically divest the Mormon of his magic underwear while desecrating the Book of Mormon. The proxy will then, in the Mormon’s name, swear eternal loyalty to the Lord of Hell. The ceremony will end in a good old fashioned Black Mass.
Should the Mormons object to this, we will simply point out that the Mormons have been doing the same thing for years. They baptize dead Jews into the Mormon faith. They posthumously baptize Holocaust victims. They even had the balls to posthumously baptize Simon Wiesenthal and Anne Frank. It’s bad enough that these lunatics knock on people’s door with their religious idiocy. Now they are harassing people in the grave. It’s not only Holocaust victims getting posthumously baptized. Albert Einstein, Golda Meir, and Groucho Marx have all had the dubious honor of being welcomed into Mormon heaven. The Mormons argue that the souls of the deceased have the right to refuse the baptism. Well, the souls of the dead Mormons have the right to refuse service to the Lord of Hell and remain in the lake of fire with gays pouring coal down on their heads.
Fair is fair. The Mormons signed an agreement to stop the posthumous baptisms and to remove the names of Holocaust victims and other Jews from the Mormon membership lists. The Mormons immediately refused to honor the agreement, stating that posthumous baptism is one of their fundamental beliefs. Well, guys, the First Amendment protects us, too. Consecrating the souls of dead Mormons to hell is one of my fundamental beliefs. I’m doing the first posthumous consecration at the next full moon, and I’m standing as proxy for Brigham Young. Don’t worry, though. Brigham has the right to refuse the consecration.
I am surprised and appalled at the media pundits who are blaming African Americans for the passing of Proposition 8. I simply cannot believe some of the crap that I am reading. It seems to me that all the blame for 8’s success is being laid at the feet of the African American voter and nobody is blaming the Mormon Church. The Mormon Church joined with the Catholics and the Pentecostals in a Commandment-breaking smear campaign that was all lies, half-truths and fear-mongering. The Proposition 8 initiative was a symptom of some very sick minds who were acting out their own sexual paranoia. I think the funniest accusation was the one that stated all churches would be required to perform Gay weddings. That sounds like the block-busting ruse of the Seventies. Home owners were afraid that if one Black family moved into the neighborhood more Black families would move into the neighborhood and property values would drop. Are Mormons afraid that if one Gay couple gets married in their church, more Gay couples would get married in their Church, and the Book of Mormon would lose it’s value? What makes these jackasses think that a Gay couple would want to be married in a Mormon church? Besides, the law allows for ministers to refuse to perform a marriage for any reason. The sickest accusation was the forced sex ed for kindergarteners. What kind of demented minds think up this crap?
Speaking of crap, that leads us right back to accusing African Americans of 8’s so-called victory. I think that shows a tremendous amount of cowardice on the parts of the so-called liberal pundits. The Mormons are more than just a church, they are a major economic force with financial and voting interests in newspapers, radio, and television. If a reporter messes with the Mormons he risks his job. The Mormons are not above blacklisting reporters and commentators who stand up to them. So it is simply easier and safer to pick on African Americans, who are still relatively disenfranchised in this society. Also remember that we now have an African American president-elect. I would not put it past the Mormon Church to start a divide and conquer campaign over the gay marriage issue. It would certainly fit into the Mormon racist agenda to have the left in a race battle over Proposition 8, instead of concentrating on the actual malefactors in this debacle.
Mormons were not the only ones behind the campaign of lies for Proposition 8. The Catholics and the Pentecostals joined in with the Mormons in breaking the Commandment against bearing false witness. There is some comfort in the thought that these hypocrites are going to hell for pushing 8 through. After all the lies that were spread by these churches, it’s a wonder that their angry and jealous God hadn’t destroyed Rome and Salt Lake City like he did with Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s almost heartening to see two churches like the Mormon and the Catholic getting along so well. Both Churches have accused each other of heresy, apostasy, and halitosis for decades, but they managed to close ranks and behave like long lost brothers when it comes to denying a minority their civil rights. Then the Pentecostals come along and join with the Catholics and the Mormons just as if all three have gotten along for years. It seems that religious differences takes a back seat to the true purpose of the Christianoid Churches, which is to maintain their political power at any cost.
The doughty followers of Joseph Smith have been the backbone of the religious movement to send America back to the 19th Century. Pat Robertson and the Catholic Church would have not been able to do the social damage they have accomplished if they did not have the Mormon financial empire behind them. Mormons have spent billions of dollars in campaigns against women’s rights, teaching science in the classrooms, and most recently in pushing through Proposition 8 in California. The Mormons spent over 20 million dollars in influencing an election in California, and they blatantly broke election laws to do it. They organized phone banks in Utah and Nevada and sent bulk mail from Salt Lake City to push through a Proposition in California. That is as illegal as registering dead people to vote. Most aggravating of all, some of our religious initiative money went to fund this, and the Mormon Church still enjoys federal and state tax-free status.
Needless to say, interfering in the electoral process is a direct violation of the current tax codes. Jerry Falwell and his Old Time Gospel Hour lost their tax free status for pulling the same dirty tricks that the Mormons pulled during the 8 campaign. So why do the Mormons still enjoy their tax free status? For that matter, why do the Catholics or the Pentecostals? It seems to me that if Churches want to participate in the electoral process and impose their degraded superstitions on the rest of us, then they should be required to pay taxes just like everybody else. They play, they pay. I think that’s only fair.