Every time Obama announces a new team member, I feel like I am reading the Onion. My hand flies to my forehead, creating a hollow thumping noise and a big purple spot on my forehead. I face-palm so much that I’m scaring my wife. I knew we were in trouble when Obama selected Rahm Emmanuel to be his chief of staff. Most of the other names proposed for cabinet posts are as bad as, or worse than, Emmanuel. Some of the contenders should not be washing White House toilets. Let’s take a look at some of Obama’s first draft picks.
Chief of Staff
A long time political consultant and lobbyist, Emanuel was known as Clinton’s hatchet man. Emanuel worked tirelessly to force Congress to accept NAFTA. Emanuel was also the power behind the Welfare Reform Act, which sent thousands of displaced workers into homelessness. Emanuel spent so much time in Newt Gingrich’s office during the Welfare Reform hearings that people were wondering who he worked for, Clinton or Gingrich.
National Security Advisor
Another veteran of Bill Clinton’s disastrous eight years in the White House, Rice is a name that I cannot hear without feeling my skin crawl. Unlike Condi, who was a full time professor, Susan is a former political consultant and lobbyist,a position she holds in common with most of Bill Clinton’s staff. Rice is African American, yet she is a stout opponent of affirmative action. I cannot see her sympathizing with oppressed Arabs. In fact, as Clinton’s Assistant Secretary of State, Rice was behind many of Clinton’s blunders that led to the death and misery in Somalia.
Head of Homeland Security
In keeping with the neocon scapegoating of undocumented workers, Arizona’s Governor Janet Napolitano is up for Homeland Security Czar. Napolitano has a long history of cooperating with Bush by blaming everything on the Mexicans. My question is: if Obama represents change, why the hell hasn’t he eliminated Homeland Security-Bush’s Brownshirts?
Head of CIA
John Brennan is responsible for the torture of political prisoners in both Gitmo and Iraq. Why doesn’t Obama just bring Hermann Goering back to life and make him the head of the CIA? John Brennan is a war criminal who belongs in jail. Obama’s choice of Brennan is proof that Obama is only going to change the political rhetoric while maintaining the same neoconservative policies supported by Bill Clinton and George W. Bush.
Secretary of State
No matter how you slice it, this is a blatant conflict of interest. Senator Clinton was the original counsel for Wal-Mart and a long term member of of Wal-Mart’s board of directors. Wal-Mart made a name for itself by selling under priced Chinese imports to drive the competition out of business. I cannot believe that Obama would put the Senator from Wal-Mart in a position where she could do even more favors for Wal-Mart and China. Putting Clinton in charge of Health Education and Welfare is like putting a fox in charge of a hen house. Her husband turned Medicaid into welfare for the HMOs. Bill Clinton did more damage to public education than both Bushes and Reagan put together, and Bill Clinton joined with Newt Gingrich to destroy the social safety net. I can only imagine the damage his wife could do as head of HEW.
Alternate Choice for Secretary of State
Lugar is living proof that good people can be found amongst the Republicans as well as the Democrats, and are equally as rare. Despite supporting corporate welfare, Lugar has worked hard to end nuclear proliferation. This is an interest he shares with Obama. Making Lugar Secretary of State will put a peacemaker in the cabinet while sparing the American population from still another “fiscal conservative”. It is unlikely that Lugar will get the post. Lockheed would not tolerate him, and Lugar doesn’t want the job.
For those of you who actually expected change in the national financial picture, your hopes have been dashed to the rocks with the selection of Timothy Geithner to the secretary of the Treasury. Geithner prevented the Europeans from taking over American financial institutions by masterminding the bail-out. Geithner also convinced Congress to bail-out AIG, despite AIG’s blatantly criminal actions.
In selecting this war criminal for Secretary of Defense, Obama killed what little credibility he had with me. Robert Gates should be wearing international orange and scrubbing out prison toilets. He should not remain in the position he so badly mishandled for Bush.
Those of you who were hoping that the Obama Administration would see a change in the federal marijuana policy are in for a big disappointment. Not only is Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel a big proponent of the drug war, but attorney general-to-be Eric Holder is also a big hawk when it comes to the war on drugs. So that’s another Obama myth up in smoke. Holder is such a loyal Clinton insider that his wife is Mrs. Emmanuel’s obstetrician. Eric Holder was also assistant to Janet Reno. We can depend on a continuation of the neocon Justice department. By the way, Holder was one of the Clinton team who helped Enron get away with murder
Well that’s it, folks, Obama’s Legion of Doom. This is the team that will be leading us further down the road to hell as more people become homeless and more billionaires enjoy even more corporate profits. Meanwhile the nation will continue to fall apart around our ears. I have not named all the cabinet posts for lack of time. I will look at the rest of them in later posts. We can only hope that the Senate will turn down some of these neocon criminals. Alas, hope has become a bad word around me. Every time somebody says hope, I face-palm.
This has been the burning question amongst Paris’s camp followers. Undoubtedly a hot president should have a vice-president almost as hot as she is. Vice-presidents are after all the ultimate political accessory. They have to be carefully chosen to display the president’s best qualities without overshadowing the chief executive. For instance when we look at George W. Bush, we can all be relieved that he is not Dick Cheney. We don’t want to go to that kind of extreme with Paris, but she needs a running mate we can all fantasize to when we can’t have Paris.
I have been very heavily criticized by my peers for suggesting Monica Lewinsnki and rightfully so. I mean really, Monica contrasts better with Paris than any other vice presidential hopeful.
However it has been pointed out to me that if anything were to happen to Paris, Monica would end up being the POTUS. So what would happen if Paris were to have a fashion disaster or a bad hair day and not be able to make it to a State of the Union Address? That would be very embarrassing for many of the Republican incumbents who had voted to impeach Clinton. Can you imagine them all avoiding each other’s eyes and blushing while Monica made her speech? No, Monica as V.P was not one of my brightest ideas and I withdraw it. Perhaps Monica’s talents could be better used as National Security Adviser.
So perhaps we should forget about Monica and look at Britney Spears instead. I don’t know about the rest of you gentlemen but I would certainly prefer to look at Britney instead of Monica. The problem with having Paris and Britney on the same ticket is that they are both blond and would eventually begin to compete with each other. So really, how can we expect to end the war in Iraq when we’re having cat fights in the White House Rose Garden? (Can you imagine seeing that on CNN?) So that leaves Britney out.
Besides Britney has had some major bad press due to her mental health issues. Historically the American public has refused to vote for a candidate who had been forcibly committed. So that automatically excludes Britney as a potential vice president, however this does not exclude Britney from a role in Paris’s cabinet. Considering that Britney has been promoted, packaged, and sold to the public like a can of peas ever since she was a mouskateer; Britney may better serve our nation as the Secretary of Commerce.
Next on our list would be Lindsey Lohan. Yes, she is younger than Britney and therefor does not share Britney’s years of experience in being a marketed commodity. Still her very youth may be turned to an advantage in attracting the Catholic Clergy Vote. Plus we might get a stronger turnout by the lesbians. Some people are nervous about Lindsay and her history of drug use, but I think those people are making mountains out of molehills. After all, right now we have a coke addict in the White House. An actress who had been through rehab may even be seen as a step up. Besides, Lindsay is a natural redhead and won’t have that blond competition thing going with the POTUS.
See? Lindsay’s lack of height beautifully displays Paris’s height and figure but platforms can compensate for the camera. Won’t they take some hot pictures for some really hot campaign posters? Yes indeed, I think that Lindsay is a definitely Vice Presidential material. However, if for any reason she turns down the position, I could not think of anybody who would be better qualified as head of the DEA.
What about straight women and gay men? A lot of people have asked me that. After all, haven’t heterosexual men dominated American politics long enough? Don’t women and gays have a right to vote for a better fantasy than Obama? I think that is a valid point and even though Lindsay remains my current favorite, I’m going to suggest some male running mates for Paris. Moby would be an obvious contender. With the liberals actively courting disaffected born again Christianoids, Moby would certainly be the perfect Vice presidential running mate to attract the Christianoid vote. As a matter of fact, short of employing armed thugs at the polls, I couldn’t think of any other way to get a Christianoid to vote for Paris. Besides, that cue-ball look of his sets off Paris’s blond tresses.
Look at that. He even dresses like a vice president. The only problem I can see is that his reputation for ethical behavior might alienate him from the Washington power elite, and the fact that he is a vegan may make the meat industry feel threatened. Paris should take that into consideration before asking him to join her ticket. Maybe Moby’s talent and notoriety could be better utilized as the head of the FDA.
So how about a Vice President that everybody could fantasize about? Like say, David Bowie. Straight men and lesbians could make believe that he was female. Straight females could safely make believe they were lesbians. Women love him, men dig him. He would be absolutely perfect. There are only two problems with Bowie. One is that he’s British and disqualified for the presidency and the other is that his make-up might clash with the president’s.
Still you have to admit David was a good idea while he lasted. So if David can’t be vice-president, maybe he can help Paris prove her foreign policy acumen by accepting the post of Ambassador to Saudi Arabia.
That leaves Paris’s original choice for her running mate, Rihanna. Looking at the two of them side by side makes me think that maybe this entire blog was a waste of time. After all, Paris Hilton is the hot candidate and Paris sure as hell knows what hot is. Not only that but the way those ladies contrast each other will make Rhianna a slam-dunk for 2016. Rhianna may even take some male African American voters away from Obama. You think?
Without a shadow of a doubt, Rihanna should be Paris’s number one choice for vice president. Those two are just too photogenic together, there won’t be that blond competition thing going like there would be with Britney, and unlike Lindsay, Rhianna won’t get carded at diplomatic cocktail parties.
So vote for Britney and Rhianna, the only change that matters in Washington.