No doubt about it, we are a religion crazy country. Even our Communists worship at the altar of St. Karl. We scare gay politicians into the closet and then blame them for being in the closet when they get caught. Americans just can’t make up their minds. That is why we need a state religion. Our state religion must stress Jesus and Moses with a passing nod to Mohammad. Our clergy must fully embrace the Protestant Work Ethic and People Magazine can be our holy book. Our high priest can be an ex-president and our high priestess can be Oprah. After all, rich people are morally superior to all of us. Put that all together and we will have a religion we can all unite against. Maybe then we will come to our senses as a nation.
Paris Hilton does not work as a virgin priestess, which is why she had to go to jail. Britney Spears can be forgiven for being bipolar. This is why her father leaked her private psychiatric information to the press. It’s one thing to get drunk and dance around without your panties before you have kids. It’s another to do it after you have given birth twice. Moral America was about to put its collective foot down. That would have ended her record sales. Now that we all know that poor Britney is bipolar, Moral America can pity her. No doubt that saved her career and her cash value to her family. Public figures give up their privacy in return for publicity and suffer under the judgment of Moral America. Both celebrities and politicians are treated equally under the scrutiny of Moral America. I heard one old codger say he was voting for McCain because “Sarah Palin is hot.” There seems to be a major confusion between world leaders and band leaders in the United States.
Morality is always ordained by God and is therefore part and parcel of the Protestant Work Ethic. If you are God’s chosen you can do whatever you want; it’s moral. A woman can be raped at a Church of All Worlds event and it’s all her fault for being sexually repressed. (That is the greatest sin for CAW members.) Another part of the Protestant Work Ethic is that the holy writings are beyond question. If you are one of the elect, you never question the holy writings, and those who wrote them have to be prophets. This is why Libertarians revere Jefferson like Christians revere Jesus, and why there are American Marxists who treat Herr Karl like he walked on water and returned from death. It’s all part of the American Religion.
I learned about the American religion from Dr. Perry Troutman at Lebanon Valley College. His Religion in America course stayed with me all my life, and the most important thing I took out of it was the concept of the American religion. American Religion takes on certain characteristics which are as immutable as Confucianism in China. The first characteristic is that American religions are obsessed by morality. The second is that America has never grown out of the Puritan Work Ethic. We still somehow think that rich people are morally superior to the rest of us. The third is that we look at public figures as if they are somehow clergy. Especially, God save us all, the President.
I will never forget the time a Church of All Worlds priestess jumped up and down screaming, “monogamy is immoral!” I mention this to demonstrate that even the alternative religions in the United States have the same obsession with morality. This is why we have Libertarians and Communists at each other’s throats instead of sitting down and working things out. Of course each and every group in America, religious or otherwise, has different standards of morality. The sorriest thing is that so few of them incorporate “live and let live.” The Democrats are immoral because Bill Clinton had sex in the Oval Office or the Republicans are immoral because some of their members were forced out of the closet. Nobody ever stops to think that it is morality itself which is the problem. If America was not so morality happy, sex in the oval office would have remained the nonevent of the century. vIf the United States was not so obsessed with morality, the closeted gay Republicans would never get as far as they have by pandering to American morality.
It seems that the boundaries between church and state lack definition. America confuses religion with its politics as well as its entertainment. We find ourselves judging our fellow human beings by superhuman standards. So what if Bill Clinton fell of the fidelity wagon? So what if poor, crazy little Britney drank a little too much? When push comes to shove, it’s none of our business. I really don’t want to hear about what Larry Craig does in strange bathrooms. The fact of the matter is that politicians are human beings and they are going to do human things. The same with entertainers. There is something really creepy about Britney’s father telling the world that his little girl has a brain chemistry dysfunction. There is something really petty about making Paris Hilton stay in jail simply because she is a celebrity. Not only does America confuse religion in everything, but it brings the worst out of us.
There are times when I feel as if I am living in a dream. I start thinking that I got really toasted at a frat party and crashed in the back room. Any minute now I am going to be woken up by a horny coed and discover that the last 30 years never happened. Ol’ Rotten Ronnie Rayguns had never been elected president. The American public laughed him out of politics as they reelected Carter in a landslide victory. In the next election Walter Mondale and his running mate, Jessie Jackson will lead America into a golden age where American jobs were never outsourced and unions continued keeping America working. The War on Poverty ended by us kicking poverty in the ass instead of poverty kicking ours. Hybrid cars were introduced in 1985, and subsidized by a tax on the petroleum industry. Global Warming was not stopped, but it was kept in check through careful management of our precious and irreplaceable planet. That’s the reality I wish I could wake up to.
I simply have to accept the fact that I am awake and living in the Red King’s dream. The world is a waking nightmare where the poor are blamed for their own plight as their jobs are shipped off to the mysterious east. One of cable T.V.’s top shows is about a woman who has to sell pot in order to maintain a middle class lifestyle, and nobody sees this as strange. There was a time when I thought the world could not become as surreal as the New Age of the Reagan Administration. Can anything be more ridiculous than grown-ups gazing into crystals while their fellow citizens are being reduced to homelessness, and then blaming the homeless for not being spiritual enough? Holy Protestant Work Ethic, Batman!
At this point, I have to assume that the Red King is peaking on whatever drug he’s tripping on, because now Nancy Pelosi has adopted Paris Hilton’s energy policy. I want some of whatever the Red King’s tripping on! Maybe then I can see something good about off shore drilling and nuclear reactors. Forget about off shore drilling. The difficulty and expense of extracting the oil, combined with the expense and difficulty of refining the crude into petroleum, will not reverse rising gas prices. All it will accomplish is assuring oil company profits. Nuclear reactors are an even more idiotic idea. Reactor grade uranium is amongst the most dangerous substances in the world, and what do they do with it? They use it to boil water for a giant steam engine! If that steam engine runs out of water, the uranium will melt down to the center of the earth and poisons us all. Aside from the peril, reactor grade uranium is even rarer than oil, and will run out in under 20 years of steady use. Besides, the only thing that anyone has thought to do with the waste is use it for tank and bullet casings or to irradiate food. The entire Middle East is going to become an unlivable nuclear wasteland in a matter of years due to depleted uranium, and god alone knows what irradiated food will do to us. Once again, the only thing that nuclear reactors are good for is creating corporate profits.
I think that the Red King is tripping on petrochemicals and we are all sharing his hallucinations. Economists and geologists have been warning us that the oil is running out since I was a young teenager. There is no source of oil as cheap and easy to refine as Middle Eastern oil. We had a taste of things to come back in 1973 and 1979 when OPEC flexed its muscles and embargoed oil to the U.S . We had rationing and rising gas prices then, but all the Red King did was what he needed to do to assure himself a steady supply of candy. Then he went right back to dreaming up idiocies like SUVs and Hummers. What do you think the Red King is going to do when the Middle Eastern oil is really runs out? Other sources of oil are simply not as easy to extract nor as cheap to refine. Oil prices are going to continue to rise until the Red King won’t be able to afford his addiction any more.
Like all addicts, the Red King makes up excuses for his actions. For instance, Intelligent Design is one of those lies. Intelligent Design denies that oil is millions of years old and constitutes the remains of dinosaurs. I.T also implies that God will simply add in more dinosaur juice while we’re not looking. Face it fundies, God is not adding more oil while we are not looking. Maybe in another billion years we’ll be the dinosaur juice that the cockroaches will be using to fill their gas tanks. Until then we are going to have to get ready for when the Red King starts going cold turkey after he can no longer afford the gasoline that powers his delusions.
Right now the Red King is panicking because his candy supply is running short. Like any other junkie, he’s using more of his drug of choice as the panic sets in. Just as a junkie will mug somebody in the street in order to feed his habit, the Red King sent troops into Iraq to make sure he has what he needs to feel good. Rather than rationing himself and making what he has last, the Red King is snorting up the oil like it’s going out of style. Still, the Red King is denying that he has a problem. Everything is somebody else’s fault and never his. The Red King will blame Middle Eastern terrorists for hating America. The Red King will blame OPEC and Hugo Chavez for wanting to make a fair profit on their resources. The Red King will even blame the very geologists and ecologists who have been warning him of his addiction. Everyone gets blamed except the Red King himself.
So where does that leave the multinational oil companies who have been the Red King’s pushers? As oil becomes scarce and prices rise, they are running around like ants trying to keep the Red King calm. They are promising him things they cannot deliver. They are promising to do something about the price of gasoline in defiance of the laws of supply and demand. Other sources of oil are too hard to extract and too wasteful to refine to be cheap and profitable. Yet the oil corporations are telling the Red King that exploiting our Alaskan wilderness and ruining our beaches with off shore drilling will bring back cheap gas. McCain, Obama, and Clinton are proposing energy policies that could have worked in 1979, but the Red King didn’t want to cut his Oil Consumption back then. He was busy denying that he was an addict and claiming that he could stop anytime he wanted. Today it is too late. They are crushing oil out of shale in Saudi Arabia, and the Iraqi oil fields are on fire. The Red King is starting withdrawal right in the face and he’s panicking so badly he’s ready to send out the troops to mug Iran.
So what are the multinationals going to do when the Red King starts going into withdrawal after over 100 years of petrochemical addiction? They are going to do what any pusher will do when they are about to get caught; they are going to run away. They are going to pack up all their oil profits and disappear. When the tweaked out Red King comes looking for them, all the Red King is going to find is Barack Obama in the White House. That’s right people, America’s oil pushers are going to leave the Black Guy holding the bag while the Red King tweaks.
Alas, Paris Camp Followers, another blow against democracy has been struck. The forces of oppression will not let our heroine run for office. Not only did that bean counter at the election board not accept my petition to put Paris on the ballot, but he had the police escort me out of building. Can you imagine the nerve of it? The worst of it is that I had almost 50 signatures. (I do confess that I’m not quite sure that the weird old man on the park bench in the playground was really a registered voter.) Well I don’t know about the rest of you true believers, but I’m not taking this lying down.
We are just going to have to get around that constitutional technicality by finding a new candidate. The problem is who can we draft who isn’t so far over the hill that we might as well put in a write-in vote for Hillary Clinton? We’re going to need somebody over 35, but is still hot enough for a good campaign poster. Campaign experience would be a plus but not necessary as the right candidate would be hot enough not to really need to campaign. Well one candidate comes immediately to mind. She has been campaigning for Al Gore for a number of years. That will get us a lot of Gore supporters as well as the rest of the eco-freaks who have been crying over the drowning polar bears. Plus, she operates a totally exploitative corporation, which is really a major plus for an American politician. Have you guessed our new candidate yet, oh true believers? Who else could it be but America’s favorite MILF, Madonna!
True, Madonna’s name has been linked with a little bit of scandal. There are some poop-heads who have accused her of sleeping her way to stardom. Well let’s get real. Sleeping your way to the top is a plus for a politician. She’ll fit right in amongst the Washington crowd. She has corporate connections so she might actually be able to do presidential stuff when she’s not doing photo shots, and she is undoubtedly still hot!
That leaves the question of Madonna’s running mate. Well there is no question in my mind. Britney Spears is the only possible candidate. I mean with a ticket like this:
the polls might just get crushed in the avalanche. Forget about blue and red states. All of America will turn a steaming pink. So sorry, Paris, but as you know, politics make strange bedfellows and one must move with the expediency of the moment. Besides, with a face lift and a tummy-tuck, you’ll be ready to run in 2016. In the meantime, vote for Ciccone and Spears in 2008. The only change that matters in Washington.
Fellow Camp Followers, are you as outraged as I am? Some bean counter at the election board is trying to tell me that Paris Hilton cannot run for president because Paris is too young? Can you believe that? Can you believe the outright audacity of it? This is blatant age discrimination against us dirty old men. How dare they tell mature white male voters that we cannot vote for the candidate of our choice. What is this, Soviet Russia where the state tells us who to vote for?
To make things worse, you will never guess what excuse they used to block Paris’s candidacy? They had the nerve to tell me that Paris cannot run because of the Constitution! Who cares about the Constitution? It’s just a piece of paper, people. I mean, who pays attention to it anymore? Who the hell cares that the Constitution says that you have to be 35 in order to be president? By the time Paris is 35, she won’t be worth voting for. We want Paris now!
The worst of it is the hypocrisy. Right now we have a president in the White House who was not elected through Constitutional means. Nobody kicked Bush out into the gutters of Pennsylvania Avenue just because he cheated in the election. Nobody stops Bush when he gives billions of dollars to Sun Young Moon through his faith based initiatives. Nobody has stopped the government from denying undocumented workers their legal rights under the 14th amendment. Who cares about the prisoners being illegally held in Gitmo, the lies behind the Afghanistan and Iraq wars, or illegal wiretapping? Nobody seems to care about any of that, and some clerk has the nerve to tell me that my candidate cannot run for the presidency? The nerve of some people.
So the bean counters and the nit-pickers are going to waste more tax-payer’s money by making us do this the hard way. The “public servant” I spoke to said that we would have to have a Constitutional amendment in order to be able to vote for Paris. I say why bother amending something that everybody only pays selective attention to? Let’s just ignore the Constitution and vote for Paris anyway. After all, if the current POTUS can just ignore the constitution any time he wants, why the hell can’t we?
So vote for Paris Hilton, the Only Change that Matters in Washington.
This has been the burning question amongst Paris’s camp followers. Undoubtedly a hot president should have a vice-president almost as hot as she is. Vice-presidents are after all the ultimate political accessory. They have to be carefully chosen to display the president’s best qualities without overshadowing the chief executive. For instance when we look at George W. Bush, we can all be relieved that he is not Dick Cheney. We don’t want to go to that kind of extreme with Paris, but she needs a running mate we can all fantasize to when we can’t have Paris.
I have been very heavily criticized by my peers for suggesting Monica Lewinsnki and rightfully so. I mean really, Monica contrasts better with Paris than any other vice presidential hopeful.
However it has been pointed out to me that if anything were to happen to Paris, Monica would end up being the POTUS. So what would happen if Paris were to have a fashion disaster or a bad hair day and not be able to make it to a State of the Union Address? That would be very embarrassing for many of the Republican incumbents who had voted to impeach Clinton. Can you imagine them all avoiding each other’s eyes and blushing while Monica made her speech? No, Monica as V.P was not one of my brightest ideas and I withdraw it. Perhaps Monica’s talents could be better used as National Security Adviser.
So perhaps we should forget about Monica and look at Britney Spears instead. I don’t know about the rest of you gentlemen but I would certainly prefer to look at Britney instead of Monica. The problem with having Paris and Britney on the same ticket is that they are both blond and would eventually begin to compete with each other. So really, how can we expect to end the war in Iraq when we’re having cat fights in the White House Rose Garden? (Can you imagine seeing that on CNN?) So that leaves Britney out.
Besides Britney has had some major bad press due to her mental health issues. Historically the American public has refused to vote for a candidate who had been forcibly committed. So that automatically excludes Britney as a potential vice president, however this does not exclude Britney from a role in Paris’s cabinet. Considering that Britney has been promoted, packaged, and sold to the public like a can of peas ever since she was a mouskateer; Britney may better serve our nation as the Secretary of Commerce.
Next on our list would be Lindsey Lohan. Yes, she is younger than Britney and therefor does not share Britney’s years of experience in being a marketed commodity. Still her very youth may be turned to an advantage in attracting the Catholic Clergy Vote. Plus we might get a stronger turnout by the lesbians. Some people are nervous about Lindsay and her history of drug use, but I think those people are making mountains out of molehills. After all, right now we have a coke addict in the White House. An actress who had been through rehab may even be seen as a step up. Besides, Lindsay is a natural redhead and won’t have that blond competition thing going with the POTUS.
See? Lindsay’s lack of height beautifully displays Paris’s height and figure but platforms can compensate for the camera. Won’t they take some hot pictures for some really hot campaign posters? Yes indeed, I think that Lindsay is a definitely Vice Presidential material. However, if for any reason she turns down the position, I could not think of anybody who would be better qualified as head of the DEA.
What about straight women and gay men? A lot of people have asked me that. After all, haven’t heterosexual men dominated American politics long enough? Don’t women and gays have a right to vote for a better fantasy than Obama? I think that is a valid point and even though Lindsay remains my current favorite, I’m going to suggest some male running mates for Paris. Moby would be an obvious contender. With the liberals actively courting disaffected born again Christianoids, Moby would certainly be the perfect Vice presidential running mate to attract the Christianoid vote. As a matter of fact, short of employing armed thugs at the polls, I couldn’t think of any other way to get a Christianoid to vote for Paris. Besides, that cue-ball look of his sets off Paris’s blond tresses.
Look at that. He even dresses like a vice president. The only problem I can see is that his reputation for ethical behavior might alienate him from the Washington power elite, and the fact that he is a vegan may make the meat industry feel threatened. Paris should take that into consideration before asking him to join her ticket. Maybe Moby’s talent and notoriety could be better utilized as the head of the FDA.
So how about a Vice President that everybody could fantasize about? Like say, David Bowie. Straight men and lesbians could make believe that he was female. Straight females could safely make believe they were lesbians. Women love him, men dig him. He would be absolutely perfect. There are only two problems with Bowie. One is that he’s British and disqualified for the presidency and the other is that his make-up might clash with the president’s.
Still you have to admit David was a good idea while he lasted. So if David can’t be vice-president, maybe he can help Paris prove her foreign policy acumen by accepting the post of Ambassador to Saudi Arabia.
That leaves Paris’s original choice for her running mate, Rihanna. Looking at the two of them side by side makes me think that maybe this entire blog was a waste of time. After all, Paris Hilton is the hot candidate and Paris sure as hell knows what hot is. Not only that but the way those ladies contrast each other will make Rhianna a slam-dunk for 2016. Rhianna may even take some male African American voters away from Obama. You think?
Without a shadow of a doubt, Rihanna should be Paris’s number one choice for vice president. Those two are just too photogenic together, there won’t be that blond competition thing going like there would be with Britney, and unlike Lindsay, Rhianna won’t get carded at diplomatic cocktail parties.
So vote for Britney and Rhianna, the only change that matters in Washington.
I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that everybody I know is getting on my case about my candidate or that nobody has been leaving any comments on my blog. If I didn’t know better, I would start thinking that everybody thinks I’m just a doddering old crank. Well everybody who knows me in real life already knows that I’m just a doddering old crank, but has everyone on the world wide web already figured that out? Come on, This is only my third post on WordPress. Give me a little more time before you come to the same opinion that my real world friends have already come to. Do you have to be so quick to realize the obvious?
But really, what does me being a doddering old crank have to do with Paris’s candidacy? Paris Hilton would make a great president. I mean really, she may not be the brightest light in the disco, but we survived eight years of Reagan and he was senile. We survived having James Watts as Secretary of the Interior, could Paris do any worse by giving that Job to Snoop Dog? George W. Bush may also not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but we already learned from Reagan that intelligence is not a prerequisite for being president. I mean, you don’t see Noam Chomsky running for president. So what if Paris wants Fabio to be the Secretary of State? He couldn’t possibly do a worse job than Rice and besides, he has a hot accent just like Kissinger.
So Paris drinks a bit. What the hell, so did Nixon. Nixon bugged the oval office and kept illegal records of his conversations. Paris would put a webcam in the presidential bedroom, and the SCOTUS has already declared that to be free and protected speech. So what’s the problem? It would certainly give Fox News something to report, and give Rush Limbaugh lots of important things to rant about. And if you are worried that she will be like Bill Clinton and be indulging in oral sex in the Oval Office, at least she won’t be asking for it in public rest rooms like Larry Craig.
A Paris presidency will be the best thing that ever happened to American politics. It will keep the masses entertained with all the sex and scandal it could want without as much as threatening corporate interests. I mean really, why pay attention to the War in Iraq, Global Warming, The Christianoid take-over of the Justice Dept. and the military, the real estate melt down, rising gas prices, and unemployment when you could be paying attention to Paris? Think of all the tax money that could be saved by Paris creating her own scandals instead of having scandals thought up by public relations agents? The White House could cut its staffing in half just from the P.R. Hacks they could fire.
Now a lot of my friends get really angry at me when I tell them this. They tell me that they are voting for Obama because they want change in government. They want change they can count on. Well, I always say that if you want to see where a candidate really stands, go and see how he votes when the public isn’t looking. So I show them this website.
Type in Barack Obama and you can see how Obama voted on all the major issues. I know how excited you Obama supporters are to be able to see just how your man is going to create change in the government. I don’t really have the heart to tell you that Obama has either abstained or failed to be present at most of the votes that matter the most. He abstained from voting on the Iraq war. He voted in favor of some minor health care reforms, but otherwise, Obama has been utterly neutral in all the major issues that affect this country. So it is a total fantasy to think that Obama represents any sort of change in this country, and if you are going to vote for a fantasy; I say vote for a fantasy you can get off on.
This November, Vote for Paris Hilton, The Only Change That Matters In Washington.
I am officially giving my full and unstinting support for Paris Whitney Hilton’s run for the presidency of the United States of America, and why the hell not? Who’s portrait would you rather see hanging on post office walls, (The walls, not the bulletin boards) Paris’s or John McCain’s. Well for any red blooded dirty old heterosexual man, the answer would be obvious. We want Paris. True, we will have to use a special head shot for Public Schools, but Paris’s picture would certainly inspire a more intense interest in politics for junior high school aged boys than say a picture of Barrack Obama. Place Paris in front of TV camera in a low cut clinging evening gown, revealing that she is not wearing foundation garments, and I’m sure that about 45% of American voters will entirely fail to notice that the war in Iraq and Afghanistan is still going strong, that Homeland Security is still monitoring our phone calls, Gitmo is still waterboarding prisoners, and that we still don’t have a national health plan.
That’s all well and good, you say, but where does Paris stand on the issues? Well that’s a really dumb question. Paris will stand wherever the White House photographer tells her to stand. Duh! Well what are her opinions on the issues? Damn! You heterosexual women just have to take all the fun out of everything I guess. Okay, to find the answer to that totally inconsequential question we should hear what Paris has to say herself
See? Paris would be the perfect compromise candidate. I think her energy policy is absolutely hot! Only an heiress like Paris could afford to pay for the Public Relations agency and speech writers to come up with an energy policy like that. Just think what answers she could pay them to come up with for Iraq? Blackwater could murder every infant in Baghdad and Paris could have us yelling for more, and when U.S troops invade Iran; well let’s just say that nukes won’t be the only things that will be exploding.
There is just one thing that concerns me about Paris’s campaign and that is her choice of a running mate. I think Paris should choose Monica Lewinski. Monica has more in the way of political exposure and would attract disaffected Hillary supporters into becoming Paris’s camp followers. They could pass out cigars at campaign rallies without sending a message of support for the tobacco industry. Yes, I can just see the bumper stickers now. Paris and Monica: The Only Change That Matters in Washington.