The other night, I dreamed died and went to hell. Since I had accepted an executive position, Satan himself was showing me around the place. We came to an endless lake of fire where millions of naked men and women were screaming out their agony as imps with pitchforks were doing what imps with pitchforks are said to do. Overhead was the gaudiest and most enormous disco ball in the entire universe. On tiered balconies, same sex couples were dancing up a storm to the strains of the Village People. Every now and then a group of gays and lesbians came to the railing and poured a bucket of coal into the lake of fire. The flames would shoot up to the cheers of the partiers. A whistle would sound and the DJ started up the music again.
“This is Mormon hell,” Satan explained. “It’s our most profitable operation. Mormons suffer the usual tortures reserved for liars, but they have the added anguish of getting to watch the people whose Constitutional rights were denied due to the Mormons running a misleading campaign against same-sex marriages. Gays and Lesbians are consoled for losing their rights by being able to come down here and party in front of the Mormons. We charge them ten bucks a bucket for the coal. It’s all profit and no overhead.”
I woke up in a cold sweat and with a clear idea of what has to be done. We must save the Mormons from the torments that wait for them in the afterlife. Considering the number of Commandments the Mormons broke in preventing same sex marriages, I really doubt they have much hope in getting into heaven. Their only hope is to have their souls consecrated to Satan. As the Mormons dwell under the delusion that they are doing God’s work by denying their fellow citizens their civil rights, it is unlikely that they will consecrate themselves into hell’s service while they are still alive. The only chance they have to escape the eternal torment waiting for them, is if we take the initiative and posthumously consecrate their souls to Satan. Every Mormon soul that we consecrate to eternal darkness shall be taken out of the lake of fire and shall be placed on the right side of the Dark One Himself.
It is our sacred duty to study the genealogical records and find every endangered soul who has died in the Mormon faith. Then somebody must stand in as proxy for the poor Mormon soul screaming in the lake of fire. The proxy, acting as the Mormon being admitted into the legions of Satan, shall denounce the Mormon faith. He will then symbolically divest the Mormon of his magic underwear while desecrating the Book of Mormon. The proxy will then, in the Mormon’s name, swear eternal loyalty to the Lord of Hell. The ceremony will end in a good old fashioned Black Mass.
Should the Mormons object to this, we will simply point out that the Mormons have been doing the same thing for years. They baptize dead Jews into the Mormon faith. They posthumously baptize Holocaust victims. They even had the balls to posthumously baptize Simon Wiesenthal and Anne Frank. It’s bad enough that these lunatics knock on people’s door with their religious idiocy. Now they are harassing people in the grave. It’s not only Holocaust victims getting posthumously baptized. Albert Einstein, Golda Meir, and Groucho Marx have all had the dubious honor of being welcomed into Mormon heaven. The Mormons argue that the souls of the deceased have the right to refuse the baptism. Well, the souls of the dead Mormons have the right to refuse service to the Lord of Hell and remain in the lake of fire with gays pouring coal down on their heads.
Fair is fair. The Mormons signed an agreement to stop the posthumous baptisms and to remove the names of Holocaust victims and other Jews from the Mormon membership lists. The Mormons immediately refused to honor the agreement, stating that posthumous baptism is one of their fundamental beliefs. Well, guys, the First Amendment protects us, too. Consecrating the souls of dead Mormons to hell is one of my fundamental beliefs. I’m doing the first posthumous consecration at the next full moon, and I’m standing as proxy for Brigham Young. Don’t worry, though. Brigham has the right to refuse the consecration.